Crime jokes
What's worse than 5 babies in a dumpster?
5 dumpsters in a baby.
A woman buys a house, but she doesn't know what to name the house, so she stuck her head outside and heard "Hairy butt," so she named the house Hairy Butt.
The next month she had a baby, but she didn't know what to name him, so she stuck her head outside and heard "Crack," so she named the baby Crack.
After a year or two she lost him, so she called the police and said, "Help! I looked all over my hairy butt, but I couldn't find my little crack."
I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"
"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.
The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"
Alternative punchline:
"I had to call social services, she was only 14."
High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?
Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.
High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.
Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.
High school crush: Who is it?
Me: You.
Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)
Me: Fuck that.
I don’t know why I’m in jail. So, basically, I was at a gun range, and we were supposed to hit the targets, even though I hit it.
What do you call a Muslim in America being pursued by a perv?
Alien vs. Predator.
What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?
The Las Vegas shooting.
Why doesn't Batman need Robin as a wingman?
Because he has no problem robbin' your girl.
What's Jeffrey Epstein's favourite vegetable?
The retarded kid down the street.
Guns don't kill people, black people kill people.
Jeffrey Epstein was a horrible person, but at least he killed Jeffrey Epstein.
If a person kills their counselor, does that mean that they don't need therapy anymore?
Why was the belt arrested? Because it held up pants.
Today a canvasser came to my door asking if I wanted to make a donation to protect women in the Congo.
I told her no.
The canvasser got a little upset with me and said, "Don't you know that the Congo is the rape capital of the world?"
"Then they should be used to it by now," I replied.
What is the difference between Nicole Brown Simpson and cancer?
OJ couldn’t kill cancer.
Why do orphans play GTA so much?
Because they can be wanted for once.
I saw a man trying to rape a dog. I decided to help. The dog can't stand a chance against the both of us.
What do you call a fat man with a rape whistle? Hogan!
I never knew what my dad's job was.
One day, at school, I got a scam phone call, later, I got another, and another. I finally had enough and answered the phone, but to make an impact I said "Hello?"
My dad answered...
Why do orphans love GTA?
Because they are actually wanted!