Crime jokes

I was arrested for eating too much crack on accident. How?

My sister came into my room shoving her ass in my face.

I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"

"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.

The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"

Alternative punchline:

"I had to call social services, she was only 14."

Get a head in life by decapitating someone.

What do a priest and a pedo have in common?

Nothing, they both like kids.

What is a paedo's favourite time of year?

Halloween because they get free delivery.

When you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen. When you turn 16, you get a DM from Prince Andrew.

Q: Why did Bill Cosby get away with it?

A: Because the women were all Cosby-ing for it!

What happens to chickens that get kidnapped by rapists?

They get choked.

Guns don't kill people, black people kill people.

What is the day parents stopped fearing for their little boys? June 25, dead pedo day.

What does Jeffrey Dahmer and Travis Scott have in common?

Eight dead people.

What did the woman say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

"Excuse me, sir, you're in my son."

Bill Cosplay

A rapist, pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar. He orders a beer.

Same person.

How is a child molester and Harambe the same? They both get shot for touching little kids.

What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner? A kong-vict.

I tried kidnapping a kid today and told him I was his dad's friend and I would take him home. He just curled up into a ball and started crying. Kidnapping must be easy.

What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?

“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”

Yo mama is so ugly, when she got raped, the rapist was the one getting PTSD!

I lit a retirement home on fire so that all the seniors can be cremated for free.