Crime jokes
Why is Hitler a better person than Jeffrey Epstein?
At least Hitler killed himself.
Did you hear about the new P. Diddy meal in McDonald's? It's a 56-year-old meat inside a 12-year-old bun.
What’s a kidnapper's favorite shoe brand?
White vans.
If a homeschooled kid kills his parents, is it considered a school shooting?
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
Why did the hooker fall in love? Stockholm syndrome.
Why did orphans want to commit a crime?
Because they wanted to see what it feels like to be wanted.
What do you do during a shooting? Why, join in, of course...
Why are orphans so good at GTA?
Because they're not wanted.
I like my women like I like my wine. 16 years old and locked in a basement.
So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.
When the police caught him stealing the batteries, he got immediately charged!
A limbless criminal has just been identified. Police say the suspect is armed and on the run.
I was reading the news and read that a kid killed his family, and when they interviewed him, he said he wanted to become Batman.
What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?
One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
Why did Michael Jackson get away with it? Because he's a smooth criminal.
It's not rape if she doesn't say no.
Two options: - Chloroform. - Duct Tape.
What 3 words started Jeffery Dahmer's cannibalism?
"This isn't ketchup."
If you're ever bored, just rape an orphan! What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"