Crime jokes

Dream tweeted, and I quote, "Babies kick pregnant women all the time, but I do it one time and I’m the one arrested."

One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"

Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"

Roses are red. He shows no remorse.

Santa Claus Has joined the terrorist force.

What does an Al Qaeda terrorist and a flexible man have in common?

They can blow themselves up.

Yo mama is so ugly she's the reason why Batman fights crime at night.

So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."

Did you know cannibals ate KFC?

Kentucky Fried Children.

How did the gay girl die? Homicide.

A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.

"Was it hung?" her friend asks.

"No, he was shot."

Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.

What is a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game?

Before the first period.

A man shoots up a school and then fakes his own death. He then later returns to shoot up the same school. He repeats the process a few times until the police catch him. When they ask why he did it, he replied, "I wondered when you would check if I was still breathing."

I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.

A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.

What kind of star would go to jail?

A shooting star!

Muslims commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins... I just go to the local primary school.

What do kidnappers and Mickey Mouse have in common? They say, "Come inside, it’s fun inside."

In Israel, they chop convicted rapists' balls off. Sure glad I don't live in Israel.

Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.