Crime jokes
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"
Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"
There was a murder. The detective suspected the artist first... because he was sketchy.
What does an Al Qaeda terrorist and a flexible man have in common?
They can blow themselves up.
me: I'm going to steal your heart.
her: omg that's so romantic!!
me, an organ trafficker: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
WTF is going on in texas
Did you know cannibals ate KFC?
Kentucky Fried Children.
I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy and then I was arrested for assault.
The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
My brother is ugly. One time he stuck his head out the window. The police arrested for mooning.
How did the gay girl die? Homicide.
Woman: "I want coffee, black."
Cop: *takes out gun* "WHERE?!"
A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.
"Was it hung?" her friend asks.
"No, he was shot."
What is a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game?
Before the first period.
A man shoots up a school and then fakes his own death. He then later returns to shoot up the same school. He repeats the process a few times until the police catch him. When they ask why he did it, he replied, "I wondered when you would check if I was still breathing."
I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.
I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”
Michael Jackson was once a guitar teacher, but he got fired because he fingered a minor.
A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.
All rape can be prevented. It's just a matter of semantics.
Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.
What kind of star would go to jail?
A shooting star!