Crime jokes

A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.

To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."

He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.

Man: I'm here for the job interview.

Employer: Oh good, good. Sit down. We don't get many people for the interviews.

Man: Just anywhere?

Employer: Yeah, make yourself comfortable. Jackson, right?

Man: Yeah, that's me.

(Shakes hands and sits back down)

Employer: So what makes you eligible for the job, Jackson?

Man: Well, I'm really good at capturing the perfect shot and angle. It really takes dedication to do this type of job. Concentration and willpower, sir.

Employer: I like you already, you're hired!

Man: Wow, thanks, sir. I know I won't do you wrong. I'll work hard for this job!

Employer: You start now! Your first person is a man named John F Kennedy.

Man: What? You want me to just take pictures of him during the parade?

Employer: No.

Man: This... This is a photography job, right?

Employer: No... this is a job employment for man hunting.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the car.

What is red, bubbling, and scratching at a window?

A baby in the microwave.

How come none of my friends have dungeons? Oddly enough, they all have "rape dungeons."

My sister said, "Daddy can you pass the salt?" So I raped her.

What's the best way to get a man to confess to a rape?

Ask him to tell a rape joke.

Do you know why in France there is a cheese named "fromage à râpe?"

Because the cheese got raped.

The school shooter when the cops show up be like:

"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, ain't nothing gonna hold me down. Oh oh. I've got to keep on moving."

"I think Hannibal Lecter is soooo sexy... I'd like him to eat me!"

How can you tell the difference between a Christian priest and a zit?

One waits until you're twelve to come on your face.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, there are 69 in my basement, and it's still dark.

My mum touched my friend, but she wasn’t the she’s only 12.

There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"

"Muffin Man, Muffin Man, he's gonna rape you in his van."

Do you know the best thing about killing a hooker?

Not only do you get your money back, but the second hour is free.

What do you call a strong, independent girl in Haryana?

Dead.

Who was the meanest man in the world?

He raped Helen Keller and threw her down a well, but not before cutting off her fingers so she couldn't yell for help.

I just reached 10 million pounds in Euro Truck Simulator, but it's not even close to what Rakhmat Akilov achieved.

How did the villagers identify the masked rapist?

He was the only one in the village who believed the victim.