Crime jokes
There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"
Why did the baseball player get arrested? He tried to steal third.
Did you hear about the terrorist comedian?
He was actually quite funny...
He just blew the delivery.
(I'll show myself out).
Who was the meanest man in the world?
He raped Helen Keller and threw her down a well, but not before cutting off her fingers so she couldn't yell for help.
What do you call a strong, independent girl in Haryana?
Dead.
Memes
Pure law-abiding citizen.
I just reached 10 million pounds in Euro Truck Simulator, but it's not even close to what Rakhmat Akilov achieved.
You're so poor, when a robber robs your house, they feel bad for you and just leave.
How did the villagers identify the masked rapist?
He was the only one in the village who believed the victim.
The police told everyone to put their hands up, and the police were having fun waving their hands around.
Me: I just shot an orphan.
Mate: You can’t do that!
Me: What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
It may be weird to let people smell your hair, but grab the phone as soon as the dwarf says your hair smells nice.
OMG guys, I finally did it. I made a head slicey boy. I have headless.
Do you know the best thing about killing a hooker?
Not only do you get your money back, but the second hour is free.
It's not rape if you say "April Fools!"
Q: Why didn't Jeffery Dahmer eat comedians?
A: He thought they tasted funny.
A 60 year old man said his wife called him a paedophile the other day, strong words for a 6 year old.
My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.
Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.
I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?
If I was in a room with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Hitler, and my greatest enemy, I would pour out the bullets and beat my enemy with the gun.
What’s the definition of a pedophile, Tyler?