One time, a man got mad at me because I was hitting on his girlfriend. Like come on, man, it was only a couple of bruises!
Kid at Wish: I wish I could be Batman.
Doctor: Okay, shoots mum and dad. Doctor: I guess now you’ll have to be gay, you wanted to be like Batman.
What's the difference between when I opened the window in a car wash and when Kawhi Leonard did it? At least my dad didn't get shot in the eye.
What's the difference between a wanted person and a wanted handicapped person? The handicapped person wasn’t last seen on foot.
I've been looking for my parents for years.
For the life of me, I can't remember where I hid their bodies.
NEWS: A man kidnapped a 13-year-old girl.
MOM OF GIRL: The man had a shady face and a receding hairline.
Man yelling at mailman realizes he's opening the mailbox.
Mailman: "There's a pipe bomb in your mailbox..."
October 1, 2017 is when the Mandalay Bay became the Mandalay spray. Thank Steve for that.
Osama Bin Laden thrown in ocean!
People who helped with the Twin Towers destruction: ...
My brother tried to hit this guy with a plane and but hit the Twin Towers.
Why do egos like robbing banks?
They get a cut.
"Daveon, stop screaming for help because I broke your kneecaps!"
Mr. Beast challenge in Memphis be like: last one to survive the shooting wins 1 million dollars.
What's a pedo's favorite snack?
Sour Patch Kids.
If a dog is white with black spots, then it is 90% great and 10% guilty because it half way starts crimes and is a mistake to the world and is punished by the white dogs that are full white and not mixed colors.
A man comes to an assassin who charges $1000 per shot. He tells the assassin, "My wife's been cheating on me. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot the guy in the dick." When they arrive, they wait. The man asks why he hasn't taken the shot. The assassin says, "I know how I can save you $1000."
Why did Arnold throw his clock out of the window?
It reminded him of Richard Clocks, a man convicted for knife raping his wife.
What did Saskia say to Brandon?
Saskia: "Can you rape me like you did Sydney?"
My dad raped my mom, now I have a brother.
So you wanna play like that, ayy? Well, Sydney didn't wanna play like that either, and that's why you got arrested.
