Crime jokes
There is one good part about paedophiles... they go slow in school zones.
If you steal a lottery ticket, is it considered Grand Theft Lotto?
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
Chuck Norris hasn’t decided yet when Jimmy Hoffa can come out.
Why did the vegetable go to jail?
He kaled a man and stole a 9-carat gold bar.
My wife said if I rape her again, she would leave me. Why didn't anyone tell me it was that easy?
If you kill someone, that's murder.
If you kill a family member, that's still murder.
If you kill a child, that's "child abuse."
What's blue, red, and white and dead all over?
Trump's dead Russian mates.
I cummed on the alley.
I bet you're a child molester who got out of jail and is now sexually harassing kids such as Addison! Will fuck off and get a life, btw your roasts are not fucking funny, they're bullshit like your face and your hairline.
What is a nonce's favorite toy...? You.
Officer: Hi, how high are you?
Pothead: No officer, it's "how are you?"
Officer: Oh, I'm sorry, I've been high since last night.
Pothead: Cool, I'd like to give you some weed, happy 420, sir.
Officer: Omg, thanks man, appreciate that.
Me: punching a kid.
My FBI agent: You're adopted.
What was the guitar teacher arrested for? Stringing a minor.
What's the best thing about being a pedophile? You can choose the fit profession where you find kids most.
What is black and blue and really hates sex?
The six-year-old in my basement.
A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.
To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."
He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.
Man: I'm here for the job interview.
Employer: Oh good, good. Sit down. We don't get many people for the interviews.
Man: Just anywhere?
Employer: Yeah, make yourself comfortable. Jackson, right?
Man: Yeah, that's me.
(Shakes hands and sits back down)
Employer: So what makes you eligible for the job, Jackson?
Man: Well, I'm really good at capturing the perfect shot and angle. It really takes dedication to do this type of job. Concentration and willpower, sir.
Employer: I like you already, you're hired!
Man: Wow, thanks, sir. I know I won't do you wrong. I'll work hard for this job!
Employer: You start now! Your first person is a man named John F Kennedy.
Man: What? You want me to just take pictures of him during the parade?
Employer: No.
Man: This... This is a photography job, right?
Employer: No... this is a job employment for man hunting.
What is red, bubbling, and scratching at a window?
A baby in the microwave.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the car.