Crime jokes
What was the guitar teacher arrested for? Stringing a minor.
Chuck Norris hasn’t decided yet when Jimmy Hoffa can come out.
If you steal a lottery ticket, is it considered Grand Theft Lotto?
A disabled kid kept throwing up in class.
So I threw him out the window!
My wife said if I rape her again, she would leave me. Why didn't anyone tell me it was that easy?
About to go on a date.
But she was late.
So I got some tape.
And eventually punished her with rape.
What is black and blue and really hates sex?
The six-year-old in my basement.
What's the best thing about being a pedophile? You can choose the fit profession where you find kids most.
A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.
To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."
He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.
Man: I'm here for the job interview.
Employer: Oh good, good. Sit down. We don't get many people for the interviews.
Man: Just anywhere?
Employer: Yeah, make yourself comfortable. Jackson, right?
Man: Yeah, that's me.
(Shakes hands and sits back down)
Employer: So what makes you eligible for the job, Jackson?
Man: Well, I'm really good at capturing the perfect shot and angle. It really takes dedication to do this type of job. Concentration and willpower, sir.
Employer: I like you already, you're hired!
Man: Wow, thanks, sir. I know I won't do you wrong. I'll work hard for this job!
Employer: You start now! Your first person is a man named John F Kennedy.
Man: What? You want me to just take pictures of him during the parade?
Employer: No.
Man: This... This is a photography job, right?
Employer: No... this is a job employment for man hunting.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the car.
What is red, bubbling, and scratching at a window?
A baby in the microwave.
How come none of my friends have dungeons? Oddly enough, they all have "rape dungeons."
My sister said, "Daddy can you pass the salt?" So I raped her.
What's the best way to get a man to confess to a rape?
Ask him to tell a rape joke.
The school shooter when the cops show up be like:
"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, ain't nothing gonna hold me down. Oh oh. I've got to keep on moving."
"I think Hannibal Lecter is soooo sexy... I'd like him to eat me!"
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Well, there are 69 in my basement, and it's still dark.
My mum touched my friend, but she wasn’t the she’s only 12.
How can you tell the difference between a Christian priest and a zit?
One waits until you're twelve to come on your face.