Did you hear about the terrorist comedian?
He was actually quite funny...
He just blew the delivery.
(I'll show myself out).
Crime Jokes
I just reached 10 million pounds in Euro Truck Simulator, but it's not even close to what Rakhmat Akilov achieved.
You're so poor, when a robber robs your house, they feel bad for you and just leave.
Who was the meanest man in the world?
He raped Helen Keller and threw her down a well, but not before cutting off her fingers so she couldn't yell for help.
How can you be friends with a pedophile that's a musician?
B minor.
Me: I just shot an orphan.
Mate: You can’t do that!
Me: What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
The police told everyone to put their hands up, and the police were having fun waving their hands around.
It may be weird to let people smell your hair, but grab the phone as soon as the dwarf says your hair smells nice.
Why did the baseball player get arrested? He tried to steal third.
OMG guys, I finally did it. I made a head slicey boy. I have headless.
Do you know the best thing about killing a hooker?
Not only do you get your money back, but the second hour is free.
Name one person who would take an orphan?
Michael Jackson, so they can play all night.
It's not rape if you say "April Fools!"
A 60 year old man said his wife called him a paedophile the other day, strong words for a 6 year old.
My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.
Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.
If I was in a room with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Hitler, and my greatest enemy, I would pour out the bullets and beat my enemy with the gun.
I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?
What’s the definition of a pedophile, Tyler?
A pedophile is sitting at an empty poker table. An eight-year-old kid asked him if he could sit down. The pedophile says to the child, "Sure, let's play."
What do you call a bullet head?
JFK.
