Crime jokes

Man: I'm here for the job interview.

Employer: Oh good, good. Sit down. We don't get many people for the interviews.

Man: Just anywhere?

Employer: Yeah, make yourself comfortable. Jackson, right?

Man: Yeah, that's me.

(Shakes hands and sits back down)

Employer: So what makes you eligible for the job, Jackson?

Man: Well, I'm really good at capturing the perfect shot and angle. It really takes dedication to do this type of job. Concentration and willpower, sir.

Employer: I like you already, you're hired!

Man: Wow, thanks, sir. I know I won't do you wrong. I'll work hard for this job!

Employer: You start now! Your first person is a man named John F Kennedy.

Man: What? You want me to just take pictures of him during the parade?

Employer: No.

Man: This... This is a photography job, right?

Employer: No... this is a job employment for man hunting.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the car.

What is red, bubbling, and scratching at a window?

A baby in the microwave.

How come none of my friends have dungeons? Oddly enough, they all have "rape dungeons."

My sister said, "Daddy can you pass the salt?" So I raped her.

What's the best way to get a man to confess to a rape?

Ask him to tell a rape joke.

The school shooter when the cops show up be like:

"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, ain't nothing gonna hold me down. Oh oh. I've got to keep on moving."

Do you know why in France there is a cheese named "fromage à râpe?"

Because the cheese got raped.

"I think Hannibal Lecter is soooo sexy... I'd like him to eat me!"

My mum touched my friend, but she wasn’t the she’s only 12.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, there are 69 in my basement, and it's still dark.

How can you tell the difference between a Christian priest and a zit?

One waits until you're twelve to come on your face.

There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"

Did you hear about the terrorist comedian?

He was actually quite funny...

He just blew the delivery.

(I'll show myself out).

I just reached 10 million pounds in Euro Truck Simulator, but it's not even close to what Rakhmat Akilov achieved.

You're so poor, when a robber robs your house, they feel bad for you and just leave.

Who was the meanest man in the world?

He raped Helen Keller and threw her down a well, but not before cutting off her fingers so she couldn't yell for help.

How can you be friends with a pedophile that's a musician?

B minor.

Me: I just shot an orphan.

Mate: You can’t do that!

Me: What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

The police told everyone to put their hands up, and the police were having fun waving their hands around.