Crime jokes

How did the villagers identify the masked rapist?

He was the only one in the village who believed the victim.

The police told everyone to put their hands up, and the police were having fun waving their hands around.

Me: I just shot an orphan.

Mate: You can’t do that!

Me: What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

It may be weird to let people smell your hair, but grab the phone as soon as the dwarf says your hair smells nice.

OMG guys, I finally did it. I made a head slicey boy. I have headless.

Do you know the best thing about killing a hooker?

Not only do you get your money back, but the second hour is free.

A 60 year old man said his wife called him a paedophile the other day, strong words for a 6 year old.

My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.

Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.

I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?

If I was in a room with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Hitler, and my greatest enemy, I would pour out the bullets and beat my enemy with the gun.

What’s the definition of a pedophile, Tyler?

One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.

When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.

Serves him right.

A pedophile is sitting at an empty poker table. An eight-year-old kid asked him if he could sit down. The pedophile says to the child, "Sure, let's play."

What do you call a bullet head?

JFK.

Someone kills an emotionally weak person by hard words and bullying.

No one will suspect the killer was anyone who took part.

Why did the child cross the road?

To get to the church.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The Priest... Let's go to my office, because I'm totally not a pedophile.

"Rape is funny until it's your little sister or daughter getting raped."

Q. What do you call a CEO that's been shot in the head?

A. An ambulance.

Why did the rape victim cross the road?

Because she was a chicken!

Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jill could lick Jack's candystick, but Jill got a surprise when she saw her boyfriend Rik. He got so angry Jack has no candystick no more. Jill went home with a black eye, and Rik got arrested for cutting Jack's candystick.