Crime jokes
I hate when people leave their cars running, especially in the summer.
I'm like, "You got Tracy Latimer in there or something?"
What’s the difference between a pig and Maddie McCann?
Least a pig had an apple in its mouth when it was spit roasted.
Why did the kidnapper cross the road?
To get the kids at the playground.
I killed a man in '94.
What did one slave owner say to the other slave owner when he couldn’t find his slave?
Don’t worry, I’ll rope him in.
I had a threesome on an elevator with a monkey and my underage, deaf, & mentally challenged sister...
It was wrong on so many levels.
Why can't orphans be kidnapped?
Because most kidnappers use a family van.
Why don't pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?
They just wash up on shore.
Why did an orphan rob a bank?
To be wanted.
I left a ticket to a WNBA game on the dashboard when I went to go get the groceries.
A burglar broke in and left another one on the dashboard.
Why [doesn't] Hollywood make a good movie about holocausts?
Because it's so hard to skin Jewish characters.
A guy gets home from work to see his girlfriend packing, and he asks her why she is packing. The girl says, "Because I found out you're a pedophile." The guy goes, "A pedophile?" And she says, "Yes." The guy goes, "That's a big word for a 12-year-old."
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson & Neil Armstrong? A: Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, and Michael Jackson f@ck$ little kids in the a$$!
Why don't molestation victims speak up about their trauma? Because it's a touchy topic.
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A PDF file.
Why were the terrorists upset on 9/11? bcz 1 of the 4 missed its target.
There was a school fire. I pushed the wheelchair kid into the fire and said, "Hot wheels!"
Why can't orphans get 5 stars in GTA?
Because they're not wanted.
A man assaulted me with milk, cheese, and butter.
How dairy!
I dumped the dead, disabled person's body into a dumpster full of rats.