Crime jokes
"Hee hee touch my pp."
You look like Megamind, drug dealer.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.
But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.
Why do kids want to become cops?
They want to find the guy who touched them.
I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."
"But why?" I replied.
"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.
"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.
got kidnapped
Why did the pedophile get kicked out of the candy store?
Because he snatched all of the Sour Patch Kids.
Someone in London is stabbed every two minutes. Poor guy.
What do you call a swimming terrorist? A bath bomb.
The judge asked me, "How does 5 to 10 years sound?"
I said, "Sexy."
Why can’t you kidnap an orphan?
Because you can’t steal what was never wanted in the first place.
A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing.
Man: "Ah, suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump?" Lady: "Yep. I hate this world." Man: "Well, if you're gonna die, can we have sex before you jump?" Lady: "Hell no! You creep!" Man: "Ok, fine. I guess I'll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore."
Hey, What do you want? We broke up like 5 days ago, leave me alone. Ok, first wanna do some things? What kind of things? Illegal things. Like what? Knock you off and hide your body. 🤡🤡🗡
What is Bill Cosby's favorite poem? Roses are red, my cum is blue, I'll wait till your asleep to rape you.
Brian was shopping at a mall. He hopped onto an escalator. Next to him were two people having an argument. Eventually, one of them pulled out a pocket knife threatening to stab the other. Brian murmured "Well, that escalated quickly..."
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.
You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
Yo mama so fat, she got arrested for carrying ten pounds of crack.
What’s something Bill Cosby and Freddy Krueger have in common?
Once you fall asleep, you’re fucked.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.
If a WOMAN gets RAPED, RUN INTO THE SECNE AND HELP HER.