Crime jokes
What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch?
An ingestigation.
What’s the difference between a pig and Maddie McCann?
Least a pig had an apple in its mouth when it was spit roasted.
Weed: *gets hit by his own power*
Cop: Wait, shouldn’t you be resistant to your own element?
Weed: Are you resistant to bullets when you shoot a gun?
I hate when people leave their cars running, especially in the summer.
I'm like, "You got Tracy Latimer in there or something?"
Why did the kidnapper cross the road?
To get the kids at the playground.
I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy!
I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.
Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A prostitute, because she can always wash her crack and sell it again.
Why do orphans play GTA?
Because at least they can be wanted!
In prison, they called me sweet cheeks.
I was absolutely fuming when I found out my mate was rifling through my mum's knicker drawer.
No one goes in there without my permission!
Who comes once a year and makes your kids cry?
Rapey Santa.
What makes piracy and anti-piracy so unique?
One isn't that of a thief, while the other is as serious as fuck.
What does a child molester and a Catholic priest have in common? They both prey at church.
School shootings are everywhere. In ice cream shops and even the woods.
It's not easy to make good pedophilia jokes, because it's a very touchy subject.
What does Sonic say when he's bored?
Punch an orphan, what are they going to do, tell their parents?
I lit my girlfriend on fire. I guess you could say I ignited her fire.
Why can't orphans be kidnapped?
Because most kidnappers use a family van.
Your hairline is so messed up, it made Jeffrey Dahmer cry.