Crime jokes
Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.
Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.
How did the man in prison escape?
He drew a bum on the wall and slid through the crack.
My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.
Looking for true love. Must be into fun, likes to go out driving, playing the latest catching game and most importantly, must love kids. (PEADOPHILES MUST APPLY WITH HOW MANY KIDS YOU CAN CARRY!)
A shoplifter tried to rob a grocery store.
He was asked to give an "eggsplanation."
Why did the strawberry cry?
Her mom was in a jam.
A police officer pulls a man over. "Hands in the air!"
The man said, "Okay."
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered *sex* offender.
The bakery I worked at got robbed. They demanded the dough; apparently, it couldn't be baked first.
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.
I hate double standards.
Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Teacher: How many kids are in this classroom?
Kid: 73 if you count the ones you have hid in the basement.
What can you do if you can't bear sharing the same blood as your father who raped you?
Have a blood transfusion.
What is a victimless crime in the state of Michigan if you are an able-bodied man who is well-endowed, not white, and not a heterosexual male?
A white male who is heterosexual and physically disabled who is sodomized by an able-bodied and well-endowed gay male who is not white inside the men's locker room at the gym.
What's the difference between Kobe Bryant and Jeffrey Epstein?
Only 2 13-year-olds went down on Kobe's helicopter.
What's Michael Jackson got in common with Santa?
They both empty their sacks around children.
R.I.P. on a tombstone normally means "Rest In Peace"; however, in Madeleine McCann's case, it means "Raped In Portugal".
What's the #1 rule of kidnapping prevention?
Don't get carried away!
What happens when you find a bomb at your local bazaar?
It becomes a flee market.
A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window, and says, "We are looking for two child molesters!"
Now after a short pause, the two men look at each other, then back at the officer and say, "We'll do it!"