Crime jokes

I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.

Why did the duck get arrested? For selling quack.

Why did the pedo cross the road?

To get to the pre-school on the other side.

I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."

Why did 7 kill 11?

Because now 7 was even.

Why do I carry pepper spray?

Just in case of as-SAULT.

If you're mad, hire an orphan, what are they gonna do, tell their parents? 🤣🤣

Why did the credit card go to jail?

'Cuz it was guilty as charged!

Yo mama is so ugly, when she got raped, the rapist was the one getting PTSD!

What's Michael Jackson got in common with Santa?

They both empty their sacks around children.

About to go on a date.

But she was late.

So I got some tape.

And eventually punished her with rape.

What's the difference between Kobe Bryant and Jeffrey Epstein?

Only 2 13-year-olds went down on Kobe's helicopter.

What did the priest say when he walked into an elementary school?

Let us prey.

Q. What's Jeffery Dahmer's favorite song?

A. "Pieces of You."

How do you fit 100 rape victims inside a Mini Cooper?

In the ashtray.

It’s too bad G won’t be able to follow in Kobe’s footsteps and rape a hotel employee but not serve one minute in jail.

Why can't George Floyd breathe? He had a knee on his neck, stupid.

I might slide up to your block with intelligence. I'm a genius with a glock. There's some relevance. Took his chain, took his rocks. Took his sediments. There's no cap inside my speech. No impediments.

Putting numbers on the board, I use my calculator. Put a opp below the floor, he's a denominator. E = mc2, you didn't notice that? Had the shot, but he's too scared. Why didn't he buss it back?