Crime jokes

Got kidnapped in Iran. Luckily, I ran.

Why did Jeffrey eat all the ice cream in one sitting?

To make room in the freezer for his special meat.

Why do orphans play GTA?

Because they want to feel wanted.

I tried kidnapping a kid today and told him I was his dad's friend and I would take him home. He just curled up into a ball and started crying. Kidnapping must be easy.

What is the perfect job for a pedophile?

A physical doctor for kids.

A dead Russian is Trump's accountant.

"Fuck off for I killed him, bum bum."

It is not funny about kidnapping.

What is the difference between the subway guy and a priest?

The subway guy didn’t get away with it...

A retarded kid sees a murderer chopping up his latest victim with a saw. The retarded kid yells, "Seesaw!" because he sees a saw.

Roses are red.

I have free candy. Get in my van. I have free candy!

I was having a party in my basement, and my friend asked me what that bag covered in blood was for. I said, "Oh, that's the bag I catch the children with to torture them in this basement."

Michael Vick is coming to town, hide your dogs!

So I went to the bank and a lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

More than five because my basement is still dark.

Why did the skeleton run away from the crime scene?

He didn't have the guts to see it.

Why did the cake say to the scammer? "I'll scam you up!"

I don't understand why people hide under their blankets. It's not like the killer's gonna be like, "I'm gonna kill-....ahh man he's under his blanket."

Q. How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Gotta be more than 9 'cause my basement is still dark.

How do inmates keep in touch?

They have cell phones.