Crime jokes

A retarded kid sees a murderer chopping up his latest victim with a saw. The retarded kid yells, "Seesaw!" because he sees a saw.

Roses are red.

I have free candy. Get in my van. I have free candy!

I was having a party in my basement, and my friend asked me what that bag covered in blood was for. I said, "Oh, that's the bag I catch the children with to torture them in this basement."

Michael Vick is coming to town, hide your dogs!

So I went to the bank and a lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

More than five because my basement is still dark.

Why did the skeleton run away from the crime scene?

He didn't have the guts to see it.

Why did the cake say to the scammer? "I'll scam you up!"

I don't understand why people hide under their blankets. It's not like the killer's gonna be like, "I'm gonna kill-....ahh man he's under his blanket."

Q. How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Gotta be more than 9 'cause my basement is still dark.

How do inmates keep in touch?

They have cell phones.

What’s the difference a hooker an a drug dealer...?? A hooker can wash her crack an resell it.

Last night I remember partying with friends to find blood on my nightstand.

Moments after, I scolded my friends to put my alarm clock back where they found it.

What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?

Your camera.

Why is it inappropriate when guys say their girlfriends are their “Partners in Crime”?

Like we get it, bro, she’s underage.

Roses are red, flowers naturally cannot be black.

I heard that your dad's in jail for selling crack!

The police officer in London, who used fake Covid rules to arrest a young woman, drive her more than 50 miles out of London in a hire car, murder her, and do whatever to her, has appealed against his Whole Life tariff.

He should be relieved it was only that! Could've been worse... could've married her!

What's the quickest way to get to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.

What do you do after raping a deaf person? Cut their fingers off so they don't tell anyone.

MORE JOKES COMING SOON LMAO ;]

My friend, Jackson Huge-T, got raped by Huge-D's.

I got raped when I was 5 in my princess pajamas by my dad. Nobody laughed at these jokes; they just cried.