Crime Jokes

I tell a man, "Get me a Glock 19." He comes back with a glove. I was about to shout at him, but then I saw a pistol in his pocket, so I left and thanked him.

One day there was a guy who robbed a bank. A customer at the bank while it happened got the police. Who was that? The police said......

It’s a wood hulem.

What do you call a child predator and an illegal immigrant? Alien vs. Predator.

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a horse?

An animal abuse warrant.

I dipped my hand in red food dye, so I said, "Looks like I’ve been caught red-handed!"

Wade, What did you do? You're grounded for life.

A stylized image of Deadpool in a police lineup. Above him is the word "WANTED." He is holding a sign that reads "DEADPOOL" and below that a number "8308 7353".

It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.

Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!

Ever heard of the band "Nothing but Thieves"?

Yeah, it's called RobberBand.

A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window, and says, "We are looking for two child molesters!"

Now after a short pause, the two men look at each other, then back at the officer and say, "We'll do it!"

I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.

Why did the duck get arrested? For selling quack.

Why did the pedo cross the road?

To get to the pre-school on the other side.

I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."