Crime jokes

Ever heard of the band "Nothing but Thieves"?

Yeah, it's called RobberBand.

Why do I carry pepper spray?

Just in case of as-SAULT.

Why did the duck get arrested? For selling quack.

What's the #1 rule of kidnapping prevention?

Don't get carried away!

What happens when you find a bomb at your local bazaar?

It becomes a flee market.

I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

Yo mama is so ugly, when she got raped, the rapist was the one getting PTSD!

What's Michael Jackson got in common with Santa?

They both empty their sacks around children.

The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.

I pushed a disabled kid into a fire and roared, "Hot wheels!"

I never knew what my dad's job was.

One day, at school, I got a scam phone call, later, I got another, and another. I finally had enough and answered the phone, but to make an impact I said "Hello?"

My dad answered...

A man and a child walk into the woods. The child turns to the man and says, "Mister, can we go home? It's getting late, and I'm scared to walk home."

The man turns to the child and says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk home alone!"

I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!

Kidnapper: Hey kid, your parents told me to pick you up.

Kid: Sir, this is an orphanage.

Kidnapper: ...

Who crashed the plane?

1. Abu Faram? - terrorist

2. The little kid Joseph?

3. The passed out pilot?

Or Jamal?

Why did the priest buy a clown suit?

Because the old one had blood all over it.

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

So I laughed at their chalk outline.

Why can orphans get away with robbing the bank?

Because no one wants him.

I would rather be drugged and robbed by Cardi B than listen to her f***ing music.