Crime jokes
My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!
Hello, anybody, I've just shot somebody. I did it on purpose.
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.
You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
What Football Club does Mason Greenwood play for?
Prison FC
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Don’t worry, he woke up.
In my basement.
Roses are red lord give me peace
Why did the orphan rob the bank?
To buy a house.
How it be when the new guy takes too long...
Hay Danny, it's me Johnny.
Johnny: Boss says to kill the guy in red. Point the gun at his head.
Danny: Ok, target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang.
Johnny: Danny, hope you did not get the man in red.
Danny: OH MY BRO FOR REALL.
Mommy, mommy! Are we drug dealers?
Shut up and cut the coke.
The pastor jumped at the chance to meet Ariana the other day.
He also grabbed, fondled, and fingered. Some might say he was milking the situation.
What happens when an orphan is told that someone had found their parents?
They cry...
They scream... with joy.
"Oh wait, no, that wasn't your parents."
Orphan grabs a knife out of the kitchen, lets just say, the orphan didn't live to tell the tail...
One thing led to another, now I have a new patio.
I broke up with my boyfriend and stole his wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
I had to go to my friend's house.
I went in her basement and I saw taped mouths that are KIDS in the basement... Is my friend OK???
What is a kidnapper's favorite shoe?
White vans.
Johnny, Johnny?
Yes, Papa?
Sniffing cocaine?
YES SIRRR!
Stephen Hawking robbed the Apple store looking for a charger.
This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"
"I'm the big man, catching the kids in my big van." - Ben 2021
Please don't get mad, it's a joke.
What's the difference between a bullet and a police officer? At least when a bullet kills someone, it's fired.
Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.
Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.