Crime Jokes

One day there was a guy who robbed a bank. A customer at the bank while it happened got the police. Who was that? The police said......

It’s a wood hulem.

What do you call a child predator and an illegal immigrant? Alien vs. Predator.

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a horse?

An animal abuse warrant.

I dipped my hand in red food dye, so I said, "Looks like I’ve been caught red-handed!"

It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.

Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!

An image of a muscular saber-toothed cat saying: "Go ahead, call the cops. They cannot unshit your grandma's cremation urn."

Ever heard of the band "Nothing but Thieves"?

Yeah, it's called RobberBand.

A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window, and says, "We are looking for two child molesters!"

Now after a short pause, the two men look at each other, then back at the officer and say, "We'll do it!"

I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.

Why did the duck get arrested? For selling quack.

Why did the pedo cross the road?

To get to the pre-school on the other side.

I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."

Why did 7 kill 11?

Because now 7 was even.

Why do I carry pepper spray?

Just in case of as-SAULT.

If you're mad, hire an orphan, what are they gonna do, tell their parents? 🤣🤣

Why did the credit card go to jail?

'Cuz it was guilty as charged!

Yo mama is so ugly, when she got raped, the rapist was the one getting PTSD!

I murdered my friend's brother because he kept saying "HEE HEE" like Michael Jackson when I was trying to have a serious conversation. I just found out he was disabled. That's a THRILLER.