Crime jokes

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby who?

Never mind, I’ll come back when you’re sleeping.

Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was the first person to try Five Guys?

"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

My jokes are so dark that I am surprised that the cops didn't shoot them yet.

Say what you want about Jeffery Dahmer, but he always managed to get a head.

What is the favorite city of the pedophile icon? Paris.

What is a victimless crime in the state of Michigan if you are an able-bodied man who is well-endowed, not white, and not a heterosexual male?

A white male who is heterosexual and physically disabled who is sodomized by an able-bodied and well-endowed gay male who is not white inside the men's locker room at the gym.

Ever heard of the band "Nothing but Thieves"?

Yeah, it's called RobberBand.

Why do I carry pepper spray?

Just in case of as-SAULT.

Why did the duck get arrested? For selling quack.

What's the #1 rule of kidnapping prevention?

Don't get carried away!

What happens when you find a bomb at your local bazaar?

It becomes a flee market.

I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

Yo mama is so ugly, when she got raped, the rapist was the one getting PTSD!

What's Michael Jackson got in common with Santa?

They both empty their sacks around children.

The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.

I pushed a disabled kid into a fire and roared, "Hot wheels!"

I never knew what my dad's job was.

One day, at school, I got a scam phone call, later, I got another, and another. I finally had enough and answered the phone, but to make an impact I said "Hello?"

My dad answered...