Crime jokes

I would rather be drugged and robbed by Cardi B than listen to her f***ing music.

Why was Liverpool better than Man United? We won 5-0, and you have a sex offender on your team.

A child molester and a priest walk into a bar. He orders a drink.

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and the kid I kidnapped?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

I pushed a disabled kid into a fire and roared, "Hot wheels!"

What do you do if you see a nigger shot 50 times? Stop laughing and reload.

A man and a child walk into the woods. The child turns to the man and says, "Mister, can we go home? It's getting late, and I'm scared to walk home."

The man turns to the child and says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk home alone!"

I never knew what my dad's job was.

One day, at school, I got a scam phone call, later, I got another, and another. I finally had enough and answered the phone, but to make an impact I said "Hello?"

My dad answered...

Why did the priest buy a clown suit?

Because the old one had blood all over it.

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

So I laughed at their chalk outline.

I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!

What was the most famous skeleton detective in the world? Sherlock Bones!

I had the WORST day ever. My ex was sent to the hospital from a gun, and I got my hunting license removed.

I tell a man, "Get me a Glock 19." He comes back with a glove. I was about to shout at him, but then I saw a pistol in his pocket, so I left and thanked him.

One day there was a guy who robbed a bank. A customer at the bank while it happened got the police. Who was that? The police said......

It’s a wood hulem.

It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.

Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!

What do you call a child predator and an illegal immigrant? Alien vs. Predator.

The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.

What do pedophiles do when they wake up?

Turn on the child safety lock on the car.

Why did the credit card go to jail?

'Cuz it was guilty as charged!