Crime jokes
What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and the kid I kidnapped?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
What do you do if you see a nigger shot 50 times? Stop laughing and reload.
Dear Orphans,
I have a better orphanage for you. It's my basement :)
A man shot into a crowd at the train station and didn't hit one person. When the police asked why he missed, someone said, "'Cause he gay."
He couldn't shoot straight.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a horse?
An animal abuse warrant.
I dipped my hand in red food dye, so I said, "Looks like I’ve been caught red-handed!"
Why did 7 kill 11?
Because now 7 was even.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
So I laughed at their chalk outline.
Why did the priest buy a clown suit?
Because the old one had blood all over it.
I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!
I had the WORST day ever. My ex was sent to the hospital from a gun, and I got my hunting license removed.
A man and a child walk into the woods. The child turns to the man and says, "Mister, can we go home? It's getting late, and I'm scared to walk home."
The man turns to the child and says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk home alone!"
I never knew what my dad's job was.
One day, at school, I got a scam phone call, later, I got another, and another. I finally had enough and answered the phone, but to make an impact I said "Hello?"
My dad answered...
I tell a man, "Get me a Glock 19." He comes back with a glove. I was about to shout at him, but then I saw a pistol in his pocket, so I left and thanked him.
What was the most famous skeleton detective in the world? Sherlock Bones!
It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.
Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!
One day there was a guy who robbed a bank. A customer at the bank while it happened got the police. Who was that? The police said......
It’s a wood hulem.
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
Why did the pedo cross the road?
To get to the pre-school on the other side.
Ever heard of the band "Nothing but Thieves"?
Yeah, it's called RobberBand.