Crime jokes
I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!
What was the most famous skeleton detective in the world? Sherlock Bones!
A man and a child walk into the woods. The child turns to the man and says, "Mister, can we go home? It's getting late, and I'm scared to walk home."
The man turns to the child and says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk home alone!"
I never knew what my dad's job was.
One day, at school, I got a scam phone call, later, I got another, and another. I finally had enough and answered the phone, but to make an impact I said "Hello?"
My dad answered...
I had the WORST day ever. My ex was sent to the hospital from a gun, and I got my hunting license removed.
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
Why did the pedo cross the road?
To get to the pre-school on the other side.
What do pedophiles do when they wake up?
Turn on the child safety lock on the car.
I dipped my hand in red food dye, so I said, "Looks like I’ve been caught red-handed!"
Why did 7 kill 11?
Because now 7 was even.
Ever heard of the band "Nothing but Thieves"?
Yeah, it's called RobberBand.
A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window, and says, "We are looking for two child molesters!"
Now after a short pause, the two men look at each other, then back at the officer and say, "We'll do it!"
What's the #1 rule of kidnapping prevention?
Don't get carried away!
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
What's the difference between Kobe Bryant and Jeffrey Epstein?
Only 2 13-year-olds went down on Kobe's helicopter.
What's Michael Jackson got in common with Santa?
They both empty their sacks around children.
What happens when you find a bomb at your local bazaar?
It becomes a flee market.
Why do I carry pepper spray?
Just in case of as-SAULT.
The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.
Why did the duck get arrested? For selling quack.