I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." Anybody relate?
If a kid doesn't take their nap, doesn't that mean they are resisting arrest?
Where's is the candy, sir???
Over there.
(kid steps in van)
I don't see any candy.
I saw some terrorists on Family Feud. It looked like they had three strikes!
Why did the terrorist not go undercover?
Because he blew it!
I burnt down an orphanage and then showed an orphan the orphanage that I burned down, and he loved it. Not really, though.
Why did the prostitute lose all her money?
Because she got f*cked.
An eight-year-old girl struggles to breathe as she lies on a hospital bed and waits for the doctor to come. After the doctor comes, he pulls his cock out of her mouth, and she can breathe much better.
Who are the best at bowling?
Terrorists, they always throw strikes.
I dumped the dead, disabled person's body into a dumpster full of rats.
What's the best part of a terrorist on Fourth of July?
The finale.
Who was the meanest man in the world?
He raped Helen Keller and threw her down a well, but not before cutting off her fingers so she couldn't yell for help.
I fared it. I ticked the orphan. He jiggled, he was burning, so I did it again.
Why did the orphan become a prostitute?
So they could finally call someone "daddy."
What did the duck say to the drug dealer?
Gimme some of that quack!
What's the difference between bounties and orphans?
The bounty is wanted.
Found this girl in Hawaii.
Put a stick up her ass and she said, "Ayi."
Kidnapper: Hey kid, your parents told me to pick you up.
Kid: Sir, this is an orphanage.
Kidnapper: ...
What is Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite restaurant?
Five Guys.
Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?
Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...
Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.
