Crime jokes
The hardest part of picking up a hitch hiker is tying them up.
I wanted to bomb a restaurant, so I went in there with a bomb, but the bomb got diffused and did not work.
I asked a person standing nearby. I said, "Hey, do you know how to fix this bomb so I can blow up this place?"
He gave me a book.
It was the Quran.
I said, "What the hell is that?"
He said, "This is the official manual for bomb making."
Why would you shoot up an innocent school... if your aimbot's dead and you can't commit headshots only?
My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.
I just reached 10 million pounds in Euro Truck Simulator, but it's not even close to what Rakhmat Akilov achieved.
I was absolutely fuming when I found out my mate was rifling through my mum's knicker drawer.
No one goes in there without my permission!
My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"
Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!
Why can't orphans get five stars in GTA?
Because they're not wanted.
Why are there adoption centers? Because it's a market for pedophiles.
A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."
Why did Michael Jackson go to jail? He was feeling a little Randy.
I molested a child today, and it felt quite lovely on my penis! 👍
I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?
What does a pedophile and a light switch have in common?
They both get turned on by children.
When I was very young...
My classmates played a game called kiss chase. Some were really good at catching the girls and then kissing them.
They are rapists now.
How do you fit 100 rape victims inside a Mini Cooper?
In the ashtray.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
So I laughed at their chalk outline.
If I were a judge and gave you a sentence, I would sentence you to life for your looks.
Why did Michael Jackson go to the movies? He saw there was minor nudity.
I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.