Comparison jokes

What’s the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?

The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

What's the difference between me and you?

Nothing, the fudge you expected ni-

Yo mama is so ugly, even the ugliest person in the world looked like a sword standing next to her.

How come your sister is hotter than you? Funny, huh?

Your so fat, my sister said. I said, "So at least I ain't fatter than your momma."

Yo mama is so fat that when she steps on a scale, it says "to be continued."

Yo mama's so fat that when Legolas killed her, Gimli counted her for two.

What’s the difference between me and Glow In The Dark Intelligent Putty? The putty’s intelligent!

Mom: Clean your room! Me: No, it’s my room, and I don’t want to clean it. Mom: You are nothing like Mrs. Smith’s daughter. Me: Well, I’m not Mrs. Smith’s daughter now, am I? You are the worst. Why are you trying to compare me with Mrs. Smith’s daughter? I’m not her, OK? I am not her, so stop! Mom: Do you know what? I pushed you out of my hula for 43 minutes! Do not make me hate you, because guess what? I brought you into the world, and I can take you out of it! Me: Bro.

Little Johnny was walking down a dirt country road, and he came upon an old farmer leaning against a fence looking sad, shaking his head. He walked up to the old farmer and asked him what's wrong. The old farmer said, "My mule, he just won't do nothing. He don't work anymore, always looking sad, barely eats, just sad." Little Johnny said, "Can I go talk to him?" "Sure," the old farmer said, "he's back in the barn." Little Johnny went back in the barn, saw the mule just sad, and sighing. A few minutes later, Little Johnny came out and said, "Your mule is fixed." The old farmer ran in, and saw the mule laughing, just rolling, and crying laughing. "Thank you, thank you," the old farmer said, and Little Johnny was on his way. Well, a few days later, Little Johnny was walking down the same old dirt road, and came upon the old farmer again, looking sad. "What's the matter?" Little Johnny asked. "It's my mule again. Ever since you talked to him, he won't do nothing, he won't work, just laughing all day. What did you say?" "Can I go in and talk to him again?" Little Johnny asked. "Sure," said the old farmer, "he's back in the barn." Little Johnny went in the barn and a few minutes later came back out. "Your mule is fixed, sir." The old farmer went in and saw the mule crying, crying really hard. The old farmer came running out of the barn, "Hey boy! What did you say to my mule? One day he's sad, then laughing, now he's crying. Just what did you say to my mule?" Little Johnny smiled and answered, "Well, the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his; this time I showed it to him."

Your hairline is so fat that when you meet Santa, you're fatter than him and your mom.

My boner had better structural support than the Twin Towers.

Bro, if you think about it, your mom and God have one thing in common... They're both big.

Bro, your head is so big that it shines so bright, it turns into a lightbulb.

Girl, you and slow are slower than a fairness.

Your hairline is so big, it was used as a highway.

Your mama's so fat, I don’t know if it is a hippo or not.

Your forehead is so big that Mastermind thought you were his long lost brother!

You're so ugly, even Smara gets jealous.

Bro, you can't be talking. You built like Barney the dinosaur. Barney is a dinosaur with dinosaur sensation.