Comparison jokes
Something you can say about your furniture, but not your partner: "Those legs sure hold a lot of weight."
My sister looks like Santa Claus.
"You are so pretty?"
"No, too many people!"
Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump...
But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.
Why is Hitler a better person than Jeffrey Epstein?
At least Hitler killed himself.
What is the difference between a baby and a sweet potato?
About 140 calories.
The man had no arms and a little girl came over and said, "Give me a high-five."
He said, "I’ve got no arms," and the girl said, "Are you an eel? Cause he don’t have arms."
What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
Luke looks like Big Chungus and Fat Sonic.
What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One makes you believe in Heaven, the other makes you feel it.
What's the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One is glowing and the other is blowing.
What’s the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One kneels for salvation.
The other kneels with salivation.
When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant:
Did you get seafood without me? It smells like fish.
What's the difference between a Christian and a child who believes Santa exists?
Nothing. They both believe in fairytales!
What's the difference between a grenade and your wife? There's none. Take out the ring and half of the house is gone.
Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that always comes out of your mouth?
I'm sure you could be the smartest person in your class.
If it were a class for the profoundly retarded.
Your hairline is farther back than the Mexican border.
What is the female version of t-bagging? A clam slapping.
You could be sitting alone and still be the dumbest person in the room.
Your mum is so cool, she looks like a fridge. Quote: Jude Porters.