Comparison jokes

I like my kids like I like my lamps.

Hung from the ceiling.

What does a condom and a coffin have in common?

They both still have stiffs, but one is coming and one is going.

What do Hitler and Trump have in common? They both do hand gestures.

What does the depressed person say to the happy person?

"Damn, I wish I was on the stuff you're on, lol."

Roses are red. Sunflowers are yellow.

Your mom is so fat she looks like a marshmallow.

What's the difference between your mom in bed and Biden in the presidential race?

Your mom finishes.

What does a duck and a tablespoon have in common?

Both are not a lamp.

The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"

"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.

The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."

Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"

What does a priest and time have in common? They're both predators.

What's similar between a fetus and a failed mission?

You abort it.

What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?

I don't have a girlfriend.

What's the difference between a little boy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it.

What is the difference between me and a fire?

It's hot.

Blood may be thicker than water, but yo mama is thicker than anything!

Your hairline is so ugly, I thought you were Shrek!

"Do you know the difference between wallpaper and toilet paper?" Replies, "No." "Gross!"

What does a man have 3 of, which a girl only has 2 of?

Legs.

Your hairline is so bald, Mr. Clean even said it's bald!

Life is like a box of chocolates; it doesn’t last long for people.

What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.