Comparison jokes
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.
The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
What's the difference between a cat and a human? About 500 bullets.
What does a priest and time have in common? They're both predators.
What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?
I don't have a girlfriend.
What's the difference between a little boy and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it.
What do noodles and women have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.
What do sharks and people have in common? The great ones are white.
Yo mama is so ugly, she made dirt look like a supermodel.
The Twin Towers collapsed faster than my grandma did.
Girls: 🙏 *Period* ✍️💅
Men: 🗿 *Growth* 🗿🗿🗿
I'm not saying I'm ugly...
But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.
If you drop an apple and an emo girl, who falls first?
The apple, because the emo girl hung herself.
What does a man have 3 of, which a girl only has 2 of?
Legs.
What is the difference between me and a fire?
It's hot.
Your hairline is so bald, Mr. Clean even said it's bald!
"Do you know the difference between wallpaper and toilet paper?" Replies, "No." "Gross!"
FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.
What's the difference between a hooker and a burrito?
I don't eat burritos.
Sometimes when I think I'm ugly, I just think of my sister and it makes me feel better.
What is the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby? One sticks to the roof of your mouth, while the other one doesn't!