Comparison jokes
What does the depressed person say to the happy person?
"Damn, I wish I was on the stuff you're on, lol."
What does a duck and a tablespoon have in common?
Both are not a lamp.
What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.
The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
What's the difference between a cat and a human? About 500 bullets.
What does a priest and time have in common? They're both predators.
What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?
I don't have a girlfriend.
What's the difference between a little boy and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it.
Girls: 🙏 *Period* ✍️💅
Men: 🗿 *Growth* 🗿🗿🗿
What do noodles and women have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.
Blood may be thicker than water, but yo mama is thicker than anything!
If you drop an apple and an emo girl, who falls first?
The apple, because the emo girl hung herself.
What does a man have 3 of, which a girl only has 2 of?
Legs.
I'm not saying I'm ugly...
But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.
Yo mama is so ugly, she made dirt look like a supermodel.
Your hairline is so bald, Mr. Clean even said it's bald!
What is the difference between me and a fire?
It's hot.
Your hairline is so ugly, I thought you were Shrek!
What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
Life is like a box of chocolates; it doesn’t last long for people.