Comparison jokes
What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.
The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
What's the difference between a cat and a human? About 500 bullets.
What does a priest and time have in common? They're both predators.
What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?
I don't have a girlfriend.
What's the difference between a little boy and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it.
What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
What's the difference between a hooker and a burrito?
I don't eat burritos.
Your hairline is so bald, Mr. Clean even said it's bald!
What does a man have 3 of, which a girl only has 2 of?
Legs.
Life is like a box of chocolates; it doesn’t last long for people.
If you drop an apple and an emo girl, who falls first?
The apple, because the emo girl hung herself.
The Twin Towers collapsed faster than my grandma did.
"Do you know the difference between wallpaper and toilet paper?" Replies, "No." "Gross!"
Sometimes when I think I'm ugly, I just think of my sister and it makes me feel better.
What is the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby? One sticks to the roof of your mouth, while the other one doesn't!
What do an orphan's parents and the Predator have in common?
They are both invisible.
Your forehead is so clear, like the Liberty Bell manual in 1876.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Big tits.
What do noodles and women have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.