Comparison jokes

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

My mom gave me a box of chocolates, and she said life is like a box of chocolates, but then it kind of tastes like dog shit.

What do you call a cow with three legs?

My ex.

Your mum is so fat Les Dawson would agree with me that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand, she throws it.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a trash bag?

There's a limit to how much trash goes in the trash bag.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a slice of pizza?

A dead baby can't feed a family.

What does dark humor and a child with cancer have in common? They never get old.

I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater. You said it looked better on me than it did you. Only if you knew how much I liked you. But I watch your eyes as she walks by. What a sight for sore eyes, Brighter than the blue sky. She's got you mesmerized while I die. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. Wish I were Heather. Watch as she stands with her, holding your hand. Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder. But how could I hate her, she's such an angel. But then again, kinda wish she were dead as she walks by. What a sight for sore eyes. Brighter than the blue sky. She's got you mesmerized while I die. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. I wish I were Heather. Oh, I wish I were Heather. Oh, oh, wish I were Heather. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. Wish I were-

What number is better than 69?

88 'cause you get ate twice.

What does Michael Jackson and tuna fish have in common?

They both come in small can.

What’s the difference between Juice WRLD and George Floyd?

Nothing, they both can’t breathe.

What’s the difference between a bleeding child and a bleeding chimpanzee?

They're both crazy and now dead.

What's the difference between a dick and a cannon?

Your dick shots longer.

What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich?

I don't f**k a sandwich before I eat it.

How are a gay guy and a refrigerator different?

When you pull the meat out of the refrigerator, it doesn’t fart.

Your mom went to the ocean, and the whales said, "We are family," even though you are fatter than me.

What's the difference between Obama and Trump?

Obama was a president and Trump was a whiny bitch!

Roses are red. Your blood is too. You look like a monkey And belong in a zoo.

Do not worry, I will be there too. Not in the cage, But laughing at you.

What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?

I give a fuck when my computer crashes.

Why are women like diapers?

They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.