Comparison jokes
When I feel ugly, I just look at my brother and get over it.
What is the difference between a small child and a watermelon?
One I eat on the daily and the other is a watermelon.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
You're so bald that when you wear a poncho, you look like a broken condom.
What’s the difference between life and a rape joke?
Life fucks you until you stop breathing; a rape joke fucks you until it’s not funny anymore.
You're so skinny that if I were to put you on a flagpole, you would wave in the wind.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I thought Shrek was ugly, until I saw you.
Me and my brother talking about relationships.
Me: We live kind of differently.
Brother: We're sort of alike.
Me: We're not alike.
Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!
My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!
Your hairline is lookin' so crusty like KFC chicken and be so discombobulated that it looks like satellite signals. It gives me flippin' sun radiation.
I would like to call you as dumb as a rock, but they can hold a door open.
Yo momma's so skinny that even Flat Stanley gets jealous!
Roses are red, Tomatoes are redder. I think we both know, I like you better.
Women have less rights than a NASCAR track.
My mom gave me a box of chocolates, and she said life is like a box of chocolates, but then it kind of tastes like dog shit.
What do you call a cow with three legs?
My ex.
Your mum is so fat Les Dawson would agree with me that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand, she throws it.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a trash bag?
There's a limit to how much trash goes in the trash bag.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a slice of pizza?
A dead baby can't feed a family.
What does dark humor and a child with cancer have in common? They never get old.
I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater. You said it looked better on me than it did you. Only if you knew how much I liked you. But I watch your eyes as she walks by. What a sight for sore eyes, Brighter than the blue sky. She's got you mesmerized while I die. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. Wish I were Heather. Watch as she stands with her, holding your hand. Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder. But how could I hate her, she's such an angel. But then again, kinda wish she were dead as she walks by. What a sight for sore eyes. Brighter than the blue sky. She's got you mesmerized while I die. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. I wish I were Heather. Oh, I wish I were Heather. Oh, oh, wish I were Heather. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. Wish I were-