Car jokes
Two drunk men spot a pig on some old farmer's land.
And they were real hungry (or so they said), and they both decided to take the pig with them into their car and eat it somewhere.
And so they did, and the farmer came out with a gun while they hurriedly drove off, and the farmer said, "Well goddammit, if it was a pig they wanted, why didn't they just take my wife?"
How did a man kill his car? He throttled it.
Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"
Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."
A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.
Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."
I drove through a school zone and found out you can drag a speed bump 😬.
What does Johnny Depp hate about driving a car?
He can't drink and drive.
The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
I made a website for orphans, but it doesn't have a home page.
Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away. Orphan: But why? Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.
Why do orphans like boomerangs? Cause they come back.
Why do orphans become criminals? To know what it’s like to be wanted.
Girls are like rocks; the flat ones get skipped.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite TV show? Family Guy.
If you hit an orphan, what are they going to do? Tell their parents?
If you hit an orphan with a car, at least you don't have to tell their parents.
Why did the orphan go to church? So he had someone to call Father.
What does an orphan call a family photo? A selfie.
Why was the orphan a big success? Cause people say go big or go home, he only had one option.
Why is it ok to hit an orphan? It’s not like they can tell their parents.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite store? Home Depot.
What do orphans and blind kids have in common? They can’t see their parents.
Why can't orphans hear about ancient Egypt? Because they don’t know what a mummy is.
Why are orphans bad at poker? Because they don't know what a full house is.
What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.
A man hits a woman with his car. Whose fault was it?
The man, why was he driving in the kitchen?
Why did the telemarketer cross the road?
I don't know.
I don't know either, but I hope there was a car coming.
How does Hellen Keller drive?
With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.
What's the difference between a spare tire and dead hookers? I don't have 8 spare tires in my trunk.
Every time someone calls you a little different, car? Just say, "No, I'm not."
I can tell a joke :)
Twinkle, twinkle, there's a car Coming like a shooting star. I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.
Why did Paul Walker die? Because he crashed a car into a tree.
Did you know Princess Diana was on the radio the night she died?
To be honest, she was on the whole dashboard too.
Where is the worst place to lock your keys in your car?
The anti-abortion clinic because you have to go back in and ask for a coat hanger.
Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"
Why do the brakes keep squealing?
Because the driver hit it too hard.
I was at my grandparents' and saw someone breaking into a car. I told my grandpa, "He's trying to break into the car!" He said, "No, ours is in the garden."
What did the cat say when he took his new car for a test drive?
"Meoooow!"