Can jokes

What's the difference between a boring teacher and a boring book?

You can shut the book up.

How many gay guys can you fit on a barstool? 4... if you turn it upside down.

How can toilet paper decorate your house?

Shit sticks everywhere.

Your mom said, "Can you get to the dick game?"

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

A patient walked into a psychiatrist's office last week wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts."

I can go to Walmart and scan my wrists. It'll say "antidepressants." ✨

Why do orphans kill people so they can finally be wanted?

What do you call a blind German? Someone who can't Nazi!

What do a blind person and an orphan have in common?

They both cannot see their family.

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

What makes a healthy normal man different to a disabled man?

"They can move it, move it." (from King Julian)

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

What’s something you can say in a grocery store and in bed?

"Thanks for coming."

How is slavery different from Pokémon?

The types you can have.

Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

Spiderman: "Yes."

Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

Spiderman: "Why?"

Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

I asked the gym instructor,

"Can you teach me to do the splits?"

"How flexible are you?" he asked.

"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

My homework was to watch as much porn as I can... and tell my teacher the details so he won't get in trouble for watching it during class.

Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"

Me: power button.