Can Jokes

my worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.

Mom told me drugs are my enemies Jesus said to like your enemy's Yay i can like drugs then

How many times can u subtract 10 from 100? Once. The Next Time you would be subtracting 10 from 90

I'm not completely usless I can be used as a bad example.

I look at my gf’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can

Like it’s my next meal

Hey! My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a homeless shelter? You can shit a load inside of a prostitute but if you try it in a shelter you get arrested.

jamal- dads CAN grow on trees joseph

joseph- no they dont

jamal- yes they do. ive seen it

joseph- ...... thanks not what you thought it was

Opposite day be like in doors

Figure : finally I can see

Eyes: Nnnnnoooo I'm blind. Figure I'm sorry i made fun if u all those other times pls don't make fu. Of me

Figure: ok eye promise eye won't.

Eyes: 😭

Hey can i tell you a pizza joke nah its too cheesy.

What animal can jump the highest

Emo kids because once they go up they never come back

What music do depressed people listen to? "I believe I Can fly"

Why can’t orphans play baseball Because They can never find home

I Copied my friends work It's not like the teacher can tell my parent's

"in chess, a queen can move in more directions than the king"

I mean yea the chess board looks like kitchen floor so-

What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic? Where do you keep the cans of paint?

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"