Can jokes

What’s something you can say in a grocery store and in bed?

"Thanks for coming."

What’s the difference between your sister and a bowling ball?

I can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

I brought a new pen that can write underwater. It can also write other words.

What makes a healthy normal man different to a disabled man?

"They can move it, move it." (from King Julian)

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

What's the worst thing that can happen to schools?

Quiet kids.

Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"

Me: power button.

I can make 9/11 jokes, but every time I do, they crash and burn.

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

What is an orphan's favorite game? Sims, so they can make a family to have.

in can re;ate to this its always going through my mind

Your mom said, "Can you get to the dick game?"

Finally, some social platform where you can talk about Muslims and not get bombed.

Obv, unless you share your residence.

I asked the gym instructor,

"Can you teach me to do the splits?"

"How flexible are you?" he asked.

"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."

What do a blind person and an orphan have in common?

They both cannot see their family.

Roses are red, Violets are fine, You can be the six, And I can be the nine.

Why do orphans kill people so they can finally be wanted?

Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

Spiderman: "Yes."

Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

Spiderman: "Why?"

Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

What do you call a blind German? Someone who can't Nazi!