Can

Can jokes

Job loss

    • A fully grown bull Great White Shark is 15 feet long and can open its jaws up to 1.2 meters long. It could eat a small child in seconds. Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium...

  • 2

    • Bear

    • A bear and a rabbit are at a bar getting high, smoking weed, talking about nothing but lies and straight up garbage.

    And then the bear starts to drink too much damn liquor, gets drunk, and asks the rabbit, "Can I have one more scotch, pretty please?"

    And the rabbit says, "Hell to the naw, I'm not about to carry your drunk ass home with me and smell your breath."

  • 2

    • Death

    • You have five seconds to kill me. 1... 2... 3... 4... Thank you. I can rest now. WAIT, HOW AM I TALKING?????????????????????

    Can memes

    JFK

    • You know what would be the best last thing to say before you die? "No, you certainly can't." JFK's assassin certainly can!

  • 1

    • Fart

    • Did you just fart a minute ago in the dumpster? I can tell you probably had a mud burrito for breakfast.

  • 1

    • Shower

    • Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.

    She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.

    "S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."

    They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."

    "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"

    "I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.

    "Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."

    "Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

    "No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."

  • 0

    • Girlfriend

    • One day a guy named Carson is called a jerk, and he says, "I went to a party with my girlfriend, and this random guy walks up to us and says, 'Can I borrow your girlfriend for 30 minutes?' I say yes, and he takes her upstairs. It was not only 30 minutes, but an hour. When she came back down, she was out of breath, so I knew it was a pretty intense conversation." This happens about 3 more times that night.

    But as I was saying, only a nice guy would let his girlfriend make friends with other guys. 😊😇

  • 0

    • Redneck

    • How do you find a redneck virgin?

    Just look for a 4-year-old. They can run faster than her brothers.

  • 0

    • People

    • Ever heard the saying white people can’t jump??

    Well, I think that’s total bullshit. You should have seen us on 9/11!

  • 0

    • Tea

    • It was 5:00 PM and I asked my sibling: "Can I have something to eat?"

    He replied: "No, not until you tell me the alphabet."

    So I said: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y, Z."

    Then my sibling asked me: "Where's the T?"

    I replied: "It's in the microwave, you just need to dish it up."

  • 0