Can jokes

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"

Me: power button.

My homework was to watch as much porn as I can... and tell my teacher the details so he won't get in trouble for watching it during class.

I can make 9/11 jokes, but every time I do, they crash and burn.

What's the worst thing that can happen to schools?

Quiet kids.

Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

A: By how much he's coffin.

I brought a new pen that can write underwater. It can also write other words.

Roses are red, Violets are fine, You can be the six, And I can be the nine.

What do you call a blind German? Someone who can't Nazi!

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

Why do orphans kill people so they can finally be wanted?

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

What makes a healthy normal man different to a disabled man?

"They can move it, move it." (from King Julian)

What do a blind person and an orphan have in common?

They both cannot see their family.

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

How is slavery different from Pokémon?

The types you can have.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

What’s something you can say in a grocery store and in bed?

"Thanks for coming."

What does my arm have in common with paper?

They both can be cut.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.