Atom

Henry

Did you know when scientists discovered atoms could split it blew them all away?

0

Sea

Anonymous

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael, Mark was the owner of a old boat. It so happened that Michael’s wife died the same day that Mark’s boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I’m sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible. "Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, “Heck no. In fact, I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!” The old lady fainted. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Divorce

Anonymous

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

Rottenness

Anonymous

How did the necrophiliac get caught? Some rotten cunt split on him…

Puns

Alex skiba

What did the banana say to the peel “Let’s split”

Rottenness

wtf

I used to be into necrophilia. Until that rotten cunt split on me…

Legs

Hes Here

Your legs are just like oreos! I wanna split the ends and eat whats in between.

Puns

Anonymous

Why don’t you act like an amoeba and split.

Orphan

BRANDON EDING

what does an orphan and a bananna have in common? They both get split up.

Monkey

Anonymous

What is a monkey’s 🐒 favorite dance move?

The banana 🍌 split.

Fruit

Anonymous

why were the apple and orange all alone? because the banana “split”

Puns

badb....96

a gay couple and a lesibian couple are going to the airport which one gets there first … the lesibian duh they get there "LICITY SPLIT "

Orphan

brandon eding

Why are orphans and banannas so much alike? Because they both get split.

Titanic

Anonymous

You wanna know why the Titanic was split in half? The iceberg hit it from the front and back.

Slip

Anonymous

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” and he came running in. “Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor” she said. “S’truth, Sheila!” Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. “You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber.” They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. “No way, we can’t do it!” Cobber said, “So let’s try Plan B” “Plan B?” exclaimed Bruce, “What’s that?” “I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her” replied Cobber. “Spot on” Bruce said, “While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples” “Play with her nipples?” Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate” "No… " Bruce replied, “But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper”

Train

Anonymous

Two guys where on a hunting trip and after the first day of hunting they don’t see anything so that decide the next day they will split up and meet back at, the fire at dinner time. After a day of hunting they meet back at the fire and the one hunter asked the other how did your day go? So the one hunter said “I had the best day ever,” I went down the hill and hunted by the train tracks and saw the hottest chick ever, we had sex for hours in every position you could think of. Then the other hunter asked him “was she a good lookin blond?” And he said “ oh I don’t know I didn’t find her head”

Breakfast

Anonymous

Why did bella thorne pass gas on shake it up Chicago? Because I gave too split pea soup for breakfast.

Orphan

deppression_itself

why can an orphan relate to a pack of banana’s because they both split away from their family

Uranus

Wierd

When u split Uranus in half is ur-anus. That’s why it’s has a buts joke. Weird

Atom

KebabKenraali

If I get atom, I would split it with you

Roast

watersharky

Walk The Dinosaur-By watersharky Productions and Was(Not Was)- Boom boom acka-lacka lacka boom Boom boom acka-lacka boom boom It was a night like this forty million years ago I lit a cigarette, picked up a monkey skull to go The sun was spitting fire, the sky was blue as ice I felt a little tired, so I watched Miami Vice And walked the dinosaur, I walked the dinosaur Open the door, get on the floor Everybody walk the dinosaur Open the door, get on the floor Everybody walk the dinosaur Open the door, get on the floor Everybody walk the dinosaur Open the door, get on the floor Everybody walk the dinosaur I met you in a cave, you were painting buffalo I said I’d be your slave, follow wherever you go That night we split a rattlesnake and danced beneath the stars You fell asleep, I stayed awake and watched the passing cars And walked the dinosaur, I walked the dinosaur Open the door, get on the floor Everybody walk the dinosaur Open the door, get on the floor Everybody walk the dinosaur Open the door, get on the floor Everybody walk the dinosaur Open the door, get on the floor Everybody walk the dinosaur One night I dreamed of New York You and I roasting blue pork In the Statue of Liberty’s torch Elvis landed in a rocket ship Healed a couple of leapers and disappeared But where was his beard? A shadow from the sky much too big to be a bird A screaming crashing noise louder than I’ve ever heard It looked like two big silver trees that somehow learned to soar Suddenly a summer breeze and a mighty lion’s roar I killed the dinosaur, I killed the dinosaur Open the door, get on the floor Everybody kill the dinosaur Open the door, get on the floor Everybody kill the dinosaur Open the door, get on the floor Everybody kill the dinosaur Open the door, get on the floor Everybody kill the dinosaur

Boom boom acka-lacka lacka boom Boom boom acka-lacka boom boom

Guy

Anonymous

How did the guys with down syndrome split the dinner bill? They all made a down payment.