Can jokes

Why do candles like birthdays?

Because they can get lit!

You are so blind, even a spider can see better than you.

This is just a bad emo pickup line, lmao.

Are you Maria? 'Cause you can sure as hell count ME in!

You have five seconds to kill me. 1... 2... 3... 4... Thank you. I can rest now. WAIT, HOW AM I TALKING?????????????????????

I want to die at a party. This is because nobody can be sad over me.

Some marriages can make short people look like Shaquille O'Neal.

What’s the bravest thing a man can do?

Say, “I’m going to get milk!” to his wife and kids.

Which is the best sport at making fat people lose weight?

Canned hunting.

Why were condoms invented? So gay guys can have sword fights.

When I got to you and I was android and we were all in Minecraft for the last two years and we had the same problem UI with you anymore but you can see it on Instagram that it is not a real time thing or a android.

I remember I met an orphan. He asked, "Can I suck your thumb?" I said, "Why?" Because "that'd be pig."

Roses are red, violets are purple, lay in my bed so I can suck your nurple.

"Hey Kenya, can we talk please!"

Me: *opens a bag of hot Cheetos in class*

All my friends: Hey bro, can I have some?

People I don't know: Please lemme have some. PLEASE, I'll be your best friend!

People I say no to: (⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)

What did the orphan say when he first played Sims? Dang, you can have a family!

White people can't say the N-word, but at least they can say, "Thanks for the warning, officer," and "Hi, Dad."

How many times can you subtract ten from one thousand?

One; after that you're subtracting ten from 990.

Alright, I'm gonna drink the lo-carb one to see how it compares to the normal Monster.

Holy shit, it tastes just like the original one.

There's like a weird after taste though.

Kinda like a sparkling water one.

I love Monster. I've drank about 5 cans already.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

What do you call a man who can fly? A flying man.