Can jokes
I want to die at a party. This is because nobody can be sad over me.
You have five seconds to kill me. 1... 2... 3... 4... Thank you. I can rest now. WAIT, HOW AM I TALKING?????????????????????
Why can you say "Kobe" even though you missed?
Because he didn't land either.
This is just a bad emo pickup line, lmao.
Are you Maria? 'Cause you can sure as hell count ME in!
What does a pirate say to the president?? Spread your legs so I can get my treasure back.
Memes
Did you hear about the song Rihanna wrote about the tin can?
It was called "S & N."
I needed to take a phone call, so I went to the nearest exit. I guess you can say it was very exciting! π
How many times can you subtract ten from one thousand?
One; after that you're subtracting ten from 990.
Alright, I'm gonna drink the lo-carb one to see how it compares to the normal Monster.
Holy shit, it tastes just like the original one.
There's like a weird after taste though.
Kinda like a sparkling water one.
I love Monster. I've drank about 5 cans already.
What did the orphan say when he first played Sims? Dang, you can have a family!
A sister went to her brother's room and says,
"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"
"Yes, sis."
"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)
"My pet snake."
"Can I pet it?"
"Yes."
He wakes up in a hospital.
"What happened?"
"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."
"You dummy!"
"Whaaat?"
Like, if you hate wearing a mask.
Every time I'm out in public, and I see someone without their mask, I always feel like there is something extra special about them. Then I realize that I can see all their face!
True story by the way.
What can a duck eat for a snack? Saltine quackers!
What do you call a man who can fly? A flying man.
"Hey Kenya, can we talk please!"
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
Me: *opens a bag of hot Cheetos in class*
All my friends: Hey bro, can I have some?
People I don't know: Please lemme have some. PLEASE, I'll be your best friend!
People I say no to: (β-β)(β-β)(β-β)(β-β)(β-β)(β-β)
β Can I borrow a book [on] how to kill myself?
β Librarian: No, because you wonβt bring it back.
What is the difference between a human and a tree? A human being is the one who can drive.
What time is it when you can walk home from school today and walk?