Can jokes
When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.
So they can let me down one last time.
Knock knock. Who's there? It's the police... Who? It's the police, let me in so I can get some donuts!
Teach a Scouser to fish and he can eat for a day.
Give him the rod and he will stick it in your letterbox and nick your car keys!
What's the difference between a Russian potato and a U.S. potato?
The U.S. potato can still compete in the Special Olympics.
I love sucking on food because if you really think about it, tits can be counted as food, so I could technically suck on a woman's tits.
Why did God steal a rib from Adam and make a woman out of it?
God wanted to show that nothing sensible can come of stealing!
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.
But I can break yours today, hopefully.
Why did the orphan cross the road?
So he can be hit by a car and be reunited with his parents.
Are you going to jump? Can I jump with you?
What do you call a hamburger that can talk and walk?
Funny weird walkie hamburger and talkie cute hamburger. Lol.
Cool people: I can do anything.
Normal people: I can do nothing.
My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.
He can tell the future.
What is the similarity between math and buildings?
Two parallel lines can be intersected by a plane.
Your hairline is pushed back; we can see what you are thinking of.
Monkeys are big, but they sure can swing very lightly.
What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"
My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."
My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."