Can jokes
You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.
Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏
Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
There's only 3 types of people: the ones who can count and the ones that can't.
It's easy to tell if a skeleton is lying to you because you can see right through them.
What does Can do after eating its vegetables?
Go on eBay to see how much he can sell the wheelchair for.
Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.
How can you tell your best friend is gay?
His meat tastes like shit.
What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?
"Damn, that's really stiff!"
Wanna play dolls?
I can be Ken, and you can be the box I come in.
You know you have weird Indian parents when you can hear them canilingus each other.
What is the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Usain Bolt can finish a race.
What’s something you can say about a fat person, but not about strippers?
Those legs sure hold a lot of weight.
What's the difference between a priest and customer service?
At least you can call customer service and tell them how your experience was.
What's the difference between an office worker and a vegetable?
They both sit in "wheelchairs," but only one can get out of it.
Would you rather have ten babies in one trash can or one baby in ten trash cans?
Charlie Chaplin and Tork Poettschke meet.
Chaplin: "What can I do for you?"
Poettschke: "Please get away from me."
Something you can say about your furniture, but not your partner: "Those legs sure hold a lot of weight."
What’s the benefit of dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
Why do leftists strive for a literate population?
So people can understand their wall of text memes.