Can jokes
Cool people: I can do anything.
Normal people: I can do nothing.
What is the similarity between math and buildings?
Two parallel lines can be intersected by a plane.
What is the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Usain Bolt can finish a race.
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Knock knock. Who's there? It's the police... Who? It's the police, let me in so I can get some donuts!
Which country can swim?
Finland. Get it? Fin Land?
Quote of the day:
Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day.
[Comment your favorite fall beverage!]
Why can’t you sell nans, but you can sell zebras?
Why don’t I shut myself all the time?
I can only fit so many pairs of kids in my mouth and stomach at the same time.
Hey Ryan, what do you call a wall so large no man can conquer?
Answer: Ryan's forehead.
I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.
But I can break yours today, hopefully.
Monkeys are big, but they sure can swing very lightly.
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
What’s something you can say in bed and in a Zoom meeting?
"Do you want the cameras on or off?"
Wanna play dolls?
I can be Ken, and you can be the box I come in.
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?
"Damn, that's really stiff!"
I’m really good at algebra. I can replace your X without even asking Y.
You know you have weird Indian parents when you can hear them canilingus each other.
My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.
He can tell the future.