Can jokes
Ever have an Italian sausage in a can?
A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.
The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.
The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”
Michael J. Fox walks into an ice cream parlor.
The man behind the counter asks Michael, "Can I help you?"
Michael exclaims, "I would like an ice cream."
The man behind the counter asks, "What flavor?"
Michael says, "It doesn't matter what flavor, I'm gonna fucken drop it anyway."
What's the difference between a blowjob and cough syrup?
They can both give you relief and make you gag at the same time.
I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.
73 Earths can fit in Uranus.
Why can orphans not get married?
They are dad can't walk them down the aisle!
Quoting the great Jimmy Carr: "When I cook, I make sure there are vegetarian options. They can make do, or they can fuck off."
What can you catch but not throw?
A cold!
What can you hold in your left hand but not in your right?
Answer: Your right elbow.
Son: Mom, can I tell you something?
Mom: Yes, of course, honey, what's up?
Son: Ok, you have terrible jokes! They're not even funny!
Mom: Well, I made you.
I see 6 letters in "the past."
I have 2020 vision.
I see 7 letters in "the future," I have 2021 vision.
Why does new pavement smell like butt?
In other words you can also call it asphalt.
Ass-phalt.
"Bonus, we can even watch a movie and still chat! Love you!
Which one do you want to watch? 😀"
A girl with no arms and one leg goes to her mother and asks: "Mom, next year for the carnival, can I dress up as a princess?"
The mother replies: "Why? Didn't you like the ice lolly dress from last year?"
Teacher: What’s 2+2?
Jimmy: 2+2=feEesh
Teacher: Well, Jimmy I can see you're going places, not college, but places.
What did the stop sign say to the street sign when he couldn't read a map?
"Can you give me some pointers?"
A can of worms popping up and down inside a lot of people and a girl ate the can of worms: It was her imaginenation.
Q: What's the similarity between a dog and a bed?
A: I can jump on my bed. A: And I use a pillow on both of them.
Do you have a halo?
'Cause I can give it to you.