what is a surefire way to get killed? go to a kkk meeting and yell black lives matter.
A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, “Well, you won’t believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her.”
The friends are cheering and one friend asks, “So… did you get any head?”
The guy replies, “No, I couldn’t find it.”
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
Why can’t depressed people leave the maze?
Because their lives are the walls and they are to scared to meet the exit.
When meeting her parents don’t require you to leave the house
A man goes into heaven and there he meets jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says “that is mother teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied”. “There is Abraham Lincolns clock. He has .lied twice so it has moved twice.” “Where is Donald Trump’s?” Ask’s the man. Jesus answers “it is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan.”
What does McDonald’s and priest have in common they both put there meet in 10 year old buns
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”
I went to the National Redhead Meeting yesterday. Not a soul in sight.
What do french fries 🍟 do when they meet?
guy: Say “I’m a man” every time I stop.
guy: you walk into a bar.
person: I’m a man
guy:you meet a girl
person: I’m a man
guy:you and the girl go to a hotel
person: I’m a man guy:you guys go on a bed person: I’m a man. guy:she whispers into your ear person:I’m a man
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’
Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’ meet all the koalifications!
white people: come to America, meet natives and take food, kil them, rape them and enslave them natives: can y- white people: hey you remember all that horrible shit we did to you lets have a good laugh about it over dinner with your buddies and my new wives
After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park. Lord: Has something happened while I was gone? Gardener: Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burrying your dog. Lord: My dog died?! Gardener: Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down. Lord: My mansion?! How?! Gardener: Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains. Lord: Why was she so distraught? Gardener: She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped. Lord: My daughter! Don’t you have any positive news for me?! Gardener: Oh right! Your cancer test results!
A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says " Come! Meet Jesus!" One of the guys takes out a knife and says, “You first”
All school meetings introductions:
Grade School; “Welcome Girls and Boys!”
Middle School; “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome!”
High School; “Fingerers and fingerees,”
Why aren’t koalas actual bears? Because they dont meet the koalafications
make a wish kid: i want to meet mac miller make a wish staff: you will soon chief
“Knock,Knock” “Who’s There?” “bone” “bone who?” “its nice too meet cha’ can we be friends? i’m BONE-ly here.”