Can jokes

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

Why do you Scotchmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.

What does Can do after eating its vegetables?

Go on eBay to see how much he can sell the wheelchair for.

The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

Would you rather have ten babies in one trash can or one baby in ten trash cans?

Why do they put barcodes on the ships in Norway?

Why?

So when they come into port, they can Scan-de-navian.

Why tie when you can knot?

Why do leftists strive for a literate population?

So people can understand their wall of text memes.

Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?

A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.

Why did the orphan cross the road?

So he can be hit by a car and be reunited with his parents.

Are you going to jump? Can I jump with you?

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

What is the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?

Usain Bolt can finish a race.

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

Why can orphans never walk home?

Because there's no way to go.

You know you have weird Indian parents when you can hear them canilingus each other.