Can jokes

Cool people: I can do anything.

Normal people: I can do nothing.

What is the similarity between math and buildings?

Two parallel lines can be intersected by a plane.

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.

But I can break yours today, hopefully.

I love sucking on food because if you really think about it, tits can be counted as food, so I could technically suck on a woman's tits.

Your hairline is pushed back; we can see what you are thinking of.

Why did God steal a rib from Adam and make a woman out of it?

God wanted to show that nothing sensible can come of stealing!

Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.

Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏

Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

There's only 3 types of people: the ones who can count and the ones that can't.

It's easy to tell if a skeleton is lying to you because you can see right through them.

Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.

How can you tell your best friend is gay?

His meat tastes like shit.

What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?

"Where are the kids?"

How do you break up a fight between two gay men?

Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"

Wanna play dolls?

I can be Ken, and you can be the box I come in.

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

"Nice pants. Can I test the zipper?"

What’s something you can say in bed and in a Zoom meeting?

"Do you want the cameras on or off?"

What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?

"Damn, that's really stiff!"

I’m really good at algebra. I can replace your X without even asking Y.

What's the difference between a Russian potato and a U.S. potato?

The U.S. potato can still compete in the Special Olympics.