Belief jokes

To all those who say this is a joke, it isn't. It's a core of humor and magic. It's a part of humor we can keep. Like if you agree.

If you unironically think someone who killed themselves should have their body in jail, you are honestly such a fucking embarrassment to humanity.

Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.

You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."

...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"

Chuck Norris once went to hell.

After that, the Devil only falls asleep after he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

People on 1912: This ship is unsinkable, even God himself couldn’t destroy it.

God: Ok, bet, where’s my icebergs?

My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...

I believe everything in the Bible until I read about the Jew giving out the free fish.

How to get rid of non-vaccinators: call water a "dehydration vaccine."

Why do orphans go to church?

Because they have someone to call "Father."

Life is karma... because I was born, God gifted me with social awkwardness, sh*t athletic skills, and stupidity.

Three conspiracy theories walked into a bar, now tell me that's not a coincidence!

I don’t believe in reincarnation now, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.

—Shane Richie, British actor

Belief in Egyptian gods is just Ra-ng (wrong). 😁

"A dyslexic atheist lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog."

The best way to tell a Hindu person and a Muslim person apart is asking them:

"Are you 7-Eleven or 9/11?"

How do you know you’re at a gay church?

Half the congregation is kneeling.

When a Muslim dies, he gets 72 virgins.

It's the same thing with priests, except the virgins are children.

Why is Christianity the most dramatic religion?

Because other religions say, "Do, do, do."

But Christianity says, "Done, done, done!"

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!

I was making holy water, and my girlfriend walked in, saying, "What are you doing?"

I said, "Making holy water."

She said, "How are you making holy water?"

I'm boiling the hell out of it.