Belief jokes
What did the terrorist say to the 72 virgins?
"Just so you know, 5 inches is REALLY big!"
Of course Jesus wasn't a virgin! He obviously liked being nailed!
To all those who say this is a joke, it isn't. It's a core of humor and magic. It's a part of humor we can keep. Like if you agree.
If you unironically think someone who killed themselves should have their body in jail, you are honestly such a fucking embarrassment to humanity.
Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.
You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."
...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"
Life is karma... because I was born, God gifted me with social awkwardness, sh*t athletic skills, and stupidity.
Why do orphans go to church?
Because they have someone to call "Father."
"A dyslexic atheist lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog."
Chuck Norris once went to hell.
After that, the Devil only falls asleep after he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
If a Muslim loses his Faith... Does he throw in the Towel?
People on 1912: This ship is unsinkable, even God himself couldn’t destroy it.
God: Ok, bet, where’s my icebergs?
The best way to tell a Hindu person and a Muslim person apart is asking them:
"Are you 7-Eleven or 9/11?"
How do you know you’re at a gay church?
Half the congregation is kneeling.
How to get rid of non-vaccinators: call water a "dehydration vaccine."
My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...
Three conspiracy theories walked into a bar, now tell me that's not a coincidence!
I don’t believe in reincarnation now, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.
—Shane Richie, British actor
When a Muslim dies, he gets 72 virgins.
It's the same thing with priests, except the virgins are children.
What do you call a reverse exorcism?
It's where a demon pulls a priest out of a child.
A true God would be godless himself.