Belief jokes
When will delusional Christians grow up and realize their fairy tales aren't based in reality?
What do you call a fat woman that prays?
A holy cow.
Mary is hanging out, and the angel Gabriel descends behind her. She looks behind her and says, "Jesus Christ!" and the angel Gabriel said, "So you already know."
What did the terrorist say to the 72 virgins?
"Just so you know, 5 inches is REALLY big!"
Of course Jesus wasn't a virgin! He obviously liked being nailed!
To all those who say this is a joke, it isn't. It's a core of humor and magic. It's a part of humor we can keep. Like if you agree.
If you unironically think someone who killed themselves should have their body in jail, you are honestly such a fucking embarrassment to humanity.
Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.
You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."
...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"
"A dyslexic atheist lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog."
People on 1912: This ship is unsinkable, even God himself couldn’t destroy it.
God: Ok, bet, where’s my icebergs?
If a Muslim loses his Faith... Does he throw in the Towel?
My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...
What do two priests say to each other when they walk into an orphanage?
"Let us pray."
How do you know you’re at a gay church?
Half the congregation is kneeling.
How to get rid of non-vaccinators: call water a "dehydration vaccine."
Why do orphans go to church?
Because they have someone to call "Father."
Life is karma... because I was born, God gifted me with social awkwardness, sh*t athletic skills, and stupidity.
I don’t believe in reincarnation now, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.
—Shane Richie, British actor
Three conspiracy theories walked into a bar, now tell me that's not a coincidence!
When a Muslim dies, he gets 72 virgins.
It's the same thing with priests, except the virgins are children.