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Being jokes

Why did the ox get kicked out of the herd?

Because it wasn't being an ox, it was being a butt-ox...!

Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?

He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.

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    • What did the 1.8 nanosecond old baby get for his birthday?

    Nailed to a puppy falling on a buzz saw being crushed in a hydraulic press while being set on fire.

    If Joey Deacon made his own company, it would be called The Joey Deacon Company; Walt Disney should have a run for its money.

    P.S. The Joey Deacon Pictures logo would have some autistic people making noises to "When You Wish Upon A Star", with the castle being the Blue Peter ship instead.

    Them: You want some Lucky Harms?

    Me: What are Lucky Harms?

    Them: They're Lucky Charms, but instead of being magically delicious, they're magically malicious.

    My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.

    It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

    What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?

    When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.

    How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll just arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being dark.

    Guy #1 is being picked up by Guy #2 from the hospital.

    Guy #1: Oh man, I just got my prostate checked. It's not looking good.

    Guy #2: Why, what is it?

    Guy #1: Turns out, I have prostate cancer.

    Guy #2: Oh man that sucks...

    Guy #1: Yeah, it's a real pain in the ass!

    I got a heart pain then I went to [the] hospital. When the doctor says I am dead, but I run then I jump. I am not dead!

    The bakery where I work is being robbed. I said to the people, "I am calling the police." Then I realized they did not come for the money; they came for the bread. Huh, go figure!

    I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.

    Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."

    What did the knight say to his younger brother? "Good night."

    You expected a silly pun there, didn't you? That's pretty rude. It makes light of the struggles of being a knight. Especially a good knight.

    A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

    So I was in the car with my mom one time and we always joke about me being adopted (I am not), and Michael Jackson's song "Billie Jean" sounds like my name, and so my mom says, as the song is playing, "(My name) is not my daughter, she's just a girl who claims that I am her mum." Wow. *applauds for mother* Love you momma =)