Animal jokes
Why did the octopus cross the road?
To get to the douchebag's house.
Knock knock.
(It's the octopus.)
I like your cut, G.
*Slaps really hard*
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"
Yee.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snowbank!
I told my kids to smile with the monkeys in the open zoo.
They never got together at all.
What do you call a cow who walks on two legs? Lean beef.
My dog was hungry, so I let him loose outside while I filled his bowl.
I found out later that he was run over by a truck. It seemed to really hit the Spot.
Why'd the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the gay (guys/girls) house.
(Wait awhile) then ask “knock knock?” Other person says “Who’s there?”
A: The chicken.
I named my horse Mayo. Mayo neighs.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-of-puss.
Teacher: What does the pig's skin do?
Student: It keeps pig skin together! 😂
Why did the man cross the road?
Because his dick was stuck in the chicken!
What happens if you sit under a cow?
You get a pat on the head.
I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.
What do you call a deer with no ear?
One ear.
What does Hellen Keller call her dog?
"NAUSHFBUYGWF"
So, Satan is in the delivery room having a child.
Soon, a feathered creature comes out. "Doctor," says Satan, "What is it?"
The doctor sighs. "Well, it's not a boy, and it's not a girl."
Satan looks frustrated. "THEN WHAT IS IT?!?!?"
The doctor looks up. "It's a goose."
The other day a squirrel asked me for a job. I asked him, "What jobs did you have previously?"
Calmly he answered, "I am a pilot. I can pick it up from here and pile it over there. I also can fly a sign!"
"Too bad, this is a nut cannery, and we're 100% automated. We don't need anyone at this time, sorry."
"No worries, I'm totally nuts anyway. Guess I'll fly a sign across town, don't have bus fare!"
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.