Animal jokes
Did you hear about the nasty tuna fish?
He was rotten to the albacore.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were prime mates.
Why aren't dogs good at dancing? Cuz they have 2 left feet!
A grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down at the counter.
The bartender looked at him and said, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "Who names a drink Steve?"
What do you call a hippopotamus that stands out from the crowd?
A hipster!
Memes
I love my dog and all dogs.
What’s the hardest part about being friends with a turtle?
Getting them to come out of their shell.
What goes boo in a car with no lips?
Q: If cats have cat babies, dogs have dog babies, and tigers have tiger babies, what do fish have?
A: Eggs.
Does your cat scratch you?
Yeah, I need [to] give him payback, but now he won't respond.
What do you call an Italian dog?
A labra-noodle.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh f-i-s-h (and the eye).
How can you help a llama on holiday?
Alpaca your bags.
The doe comes out of the woods, shakes herself, and says,
"I can't believe I did that for 2 bucks!"
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Who.
Who who?
Who who, I'm an owl.
My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the side that he was not on.
Two fish in a bowl. First fish asks, "Haven't I seen you around here before?"
The second fish replies, "F**k me, a talking fish!"