Aed jokes

What did the parents rearrange the furniture to punish a child?

Guess he was a stupid blind motherfucker 🖕 that didn't even know how to use a cane to figure out where they put the furniture.

Brinnia so fat when she stepped on a scale, it said, "I need a bigger one."

I was at a funeral and made a joke. No one laughed, but someone died.

Dad: I heard an actor killed themselves with a knife. It was Reese something.

Mom: Witherspoon.

Dad: No, with a knife, you dummy!

I stood on the edge of a building and someone yelled, "Do a flip!"..... and I did.

I'm such a good babysitter because the last person I babysat was so flat.

If you're waiting for a waiter at a restaurant, aren't you the waiter?

Why do orphans live on buses?

They never have a home to stop at.

An orphan walked up to a baseball field, but a security guard said he couldn't come in because it was a home game.

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.

"She obviously has COVID," my wife said.

"Why?" I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste!"

I saw an orphan on the road. I asked him if he's an orphan. The kid says, "Yeah, what gave it away?"

I say, "Your parents."

Sans: What do you have there?

Frisk: A KNIFE!

Sans: NOO!!!

Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:

"What advice do you have for people out there?"

As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.

I want to run. I go Iran, because I RAN, not IRAN, because it’s an Iran joke about the country, not the movement.

Your favorite artist must be Rihanna, the way your forehead shines bright like a diamond!

How many Senators fans does it take to change a light bulb?

All 3 of them.

Hockey for life!

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

Are your ankles having a party? Because I think your pants should come on down.

What is the difference between a leaf falling from a tree and an emo falling from a tree?

The leaf falls to the ground, the emo just hangs there.