Aed jokes

What is it called when you whoop a donkey?

A whooped ass and apparently some people get that everyday from their drunk dads.

You're so short that you use a ladder to reach the potato chips!

My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.

There was a penguin breathing with his ass. One day, he sat down and he died.

How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?

I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...

You're so lucky bullies don't have a chance to push you around anymore?

They'll get theirs when they're in a wheelchair?

I don't understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their Facebook status to single.

I fight with my parents, but you don't see me change my status to "Orphan."

My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:

Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.

"Stephen Hawking was talking about a cash register at Costco when he said I can’t stand these people. 😳😳😳😳😳😳 What did he saaaaaaayyyyyyy?"

Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.

Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. 💀

I went to Starbucks today and they asked what I wanted, and I replied with "to die, a shot of bleach, and an deppresso expresso."

A: Knock knock.

B: Who's there?

A: Package from Ted Kaczynski.

B: Package from Te-?

A: BOOM!

Q: How many cops does it take to put in a light bulb? A: None, they just beat the room for being black. 😂😂😂

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday.

The ungrateful boy sat in his wheelchair the whole time.

One day, little Johnny and little Susan were in bible class. Little Susan had been tired that day, so she kept falling asleep. The teacher said to little Susan, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a push pin, and she yelled, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher goes, "That's right, go back to bed." Then, the next thing the teacher asked was, "Who gave up their son for our sins?" Little Johnny poked her again, and she yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher says, "That's right, go back to bed." The next question the teacher asked was, "What did Adam say to Eve after their 13th child?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt again. She yelled, "If you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break it in half and shove it up your own ass and see how you like it!"

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

What's a rapper's favorite kind of pet?

A boomboxer.

I have a lot of money, but I don't waste it.

So people call me poor until they see my bank account.

Last night I had a dream I was swimming in lemonade... turns out I peed the bed.

Why does the sun get a lot of girls? Because it's hot.