Aed jokes

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Malaysian Airlines Flight 303!

It has been rumored that Disney is developing a movie based on suicide. The title?

Finding Emo.

A hand of Pepsi murdered a Coca Cola. An innocent Sprite yelled, "Quick! Call Dr. Pepper!"

Eventually, a 7-Up called Dr. Pepper. The Coca Cola was fine.

What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?

"Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."

I got a text from Kb. She said: "Really Gwen said that! Will fine Idc! \"Hurt\""

Thanks a lot, Gwen!

A man walks over to a little boy and asks, "Wanna see my tattoo of a bunny?"

The little boy replies with, "Yes please, I love bunnies!"

The man proceeds to pull his pants down and said, "Can you see it yet?"

The little boy curious says, "No, where is it?"

The man says, "Dig a little deeper, he runs into the hole when he gets scared!"

Mom: ON THE PHONE WITH CHILD- Honey, is Dad late to pick you up again?

Child: No, Mum. Dad is here, but he is talking about me to Mrs. Lili, the math teacher.

Mom: Can you hear them?

Child: I think... they are watching a good movie.

Mom: Why do you think that?

Child: Because I keep hearing this *HOLDS ONTO PHONE* and clap, clap, clap.

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."

My cousin asked me, "What do you think was going through Hitler's mind right before he died?"

I told him, "Probably a bullet."

I am so cool that even the fridge or a snowman would shiver his timbers when they see me :).

I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.

Woahhhhhhh, we’re halfway theeeere! WOAHHHHHHH OHHHH, Squidward on a chaIIIir!

"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."

I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.

Your hairline shape is so badly shaped like a M, me and my friends thought it was McDonald's.

What is sex? You put a sex person in someone’s sex.

I got detention for giving an emo kid a happy meal.

What does a house wear?

A dress.

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

About to go on a date.

But she was late.

So I got some tape.

And eventually punished her with rape.