Aed jokes

A 98 year old man goes to bed on a one layer bed. He wakes up under it...

What did the dark man say when he found out he had an erectile dysfunction?

"I can't breed! I can't breed! I can't breed!"

R.I.P. Floyd.

Teacher: What do you kids want to be when you grow up?

Kid 1: I want to be a firefighter.

Kid 2: I want to be a police officer.

Kid 3: I want to be dead like both my parents.

Teacher: Ok, everyone pull out your books.

Kid 4: Are we going to ignore what he said?

Teacher: What do you want me to do? Call his parents?

My friend said he saw a blind man. I said, "Did he LOOK nice?"

I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.

Yo momma so slutty, she could use a tank truck as a dildo.

I bought an anti-bullying wristband. I say I bought it; I stole it off a fat ginger kid.

2019, where you can change your gender at a snap of a finger.

Two Trojan warriors were patrolling the streets of Troy at night. It was finally time for their duties to be relieved. When they went back to their houses, one Trojan fell in a puddle. "Nitrogen!" The other called. And the other responded coldly, “Good night.”

911, what's your emergency?

Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.

Well, it's not a living room anymore.

Me: Hangs up.

An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:

Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."

Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"

Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."

Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"

Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

"What happens when an Asian man runs into a brick wall?"

"A broken nose."

So, my mom has hit me with a flip flop when I was bad, and when I cheated on my girl, right when the other girl came in, a flip flop came flying in the room.

There are a lot of things that explode... like cars, boats, the Twin Towers.

What goes in dry and comes out wet?

A dick.

Playing Russian roulette alone means you're bound to be a winner eventually.

Bf: Do you love me?

Gf: Most of the time.

Bf: Well, it's either yes or no.

Gf:...

Bf: Well, when is it that you don't love me?

Gf: 2:30 to 4:00. Every time when you go to the river an hour, then it takes me a half hour to love you again.

Bf: Why?

Gf: 'Cause you always see that OTHER GIRL.

Bf: MY LOVE! That other girl is my sister!!!

Gf: Ohh...

What's about 12 inches long, has a purple head, and can make women scream all night?

Cot death.

Fruit punch sounds like the name of a gay boxer.

If you are a girl--you are allowed to read this.

Look down your shirt and spell attic.