Aed jokes
Three unlucky jungle explorers were captured by a band of cannibals. Whilst being tied to three respective stakes, the chieftain announces that the hapless adventurers were about to die.
"After you're dead, you'll be skinned. The skin will be used to increase our canoe armada, and the rest of you will be food for us and our families."
This announcement was met with gasps of despair from the bound trio.
"There is one small favor I can offer you," the chief went on. "We'll let you choose your own method of death from what we have captured from other explorers."
Some of the tribal members begin walking by, displaying various implements of war and death.
The first explorer chose a crusty-looking musket. Thankfully, the powder load still fired, and he was dispatched without much fuss.
The second chose a knife and quickly drew it across his throat.
Both carcasses were hauled off by various tribesmen.
The third explorer stood there resolute and deep in thought.
After a few moments, the chieftain said, "There is no escape, you need to decide now, or I'll decide for yo..."
"Do you have a fountain pen in any of that junk?" the explorer interrupted?
Baffled, the chieftain sent two of his men to rummage. They came back bearing the pen and a bottle of ink.
When the explorer noticed the ink was Noodler's Baystate Blue, his grin spread from ear to ear.
Gathered round the explorer, spears in hand, the cannibals looked on as he was released and set to work filling the pen with ink.
Confused, the chief began to speak, "I'm afraid we have no paper, and even if you wrote a final letter, we'd have no way of sending it anywh..."
Cackling with triumphant glee, the explorer raised the pen into the air and began ramming it into his torso, nib first, again and again. He then fell upon the ground gasping a death rattle.
Horrified, the chief drew close as the man beckoned him for one final word.
"But why this painful death? When you had so many other more merciful options?" the chief asked.
Laughing, the man gasped his last statement into the chief's ear, "You'll make no boats from me now, and your mouths will be blue for months!"
A 9-year-old girl lies on a hospital bed struggling to breathe as she waits for the doctor to come.
The doctor finally comes, and the little girl can breathe much easier after he pulls his cock out of her mouth.
Your forehead so big your thoughts started on a Monday and didn't end 'til Sunday.
How does a depressed couple say goodbye on the phone?
"No, you hang yourself first..."
An unfortunate accident happened at the Nestlè factory. A man named Joe was seriously injured because a box of chocolates fell on him. Every time he said, "The chocolates are on me!" everyone cheered.
What do you call a Muslim in America being pursued by a perv?
Alien vs. Predator.
Why did the rapper bring a basketball to the concert?
To drop some SLAM DUNKS on the mic!
A person asks a taxidermist what they do for a living. The taxidermist replies, "Oh, you know, stuff."
My friend's daughter is taking a job in California parking cars. She says she wants to be a valet girl. For sure. For sure.
In other news, we are hearing of a nasty helicopter crash on the M4. Let's cross live to our eye-in-the-sky, Mark. Mark?
I was wearing a mask and told the teacher I ate her vagina. She said what? I pulled my mask down and said, "No, I said I like your hyenas." Then a kid sees me do it, but he only heard the first part, so he goes up to the teach and says, "I'ma fuck you tonight." She said, "Pull your mask down," and he pulls his mask down and says, "I'ma fuck you tonight."
What is the Twilight series about?
A girl's choice between necrophilia and bestiality.
What do you call a hippo that lays eggs? A eggoppotimos.
Me: No one likes Shrek; he is just a fat green guy.
Friend: Hey! Stop talking about me.
What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird!
What do you call a surprised Chinese man?
Ho Lee Fuk.
Why did the Indian cross the road?
Because he opened a corner shop on the other side.
"Left, center, right, and apolitical, also skeptical, are also a joke."
A depressed kid didn't succeed at suicide and said, "I'm a failure at suicide, too."
Yo momma so dumb, the doctor wanted to give her a blood transfusion but she said no because she thought it would turn her trans.