Aed jokes
There are plenty more fish in the sea is the last thing you should say to a necrophiliac.
I had a dog with an eating disorder.
He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.
So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."
For all of my musicians out there!
What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to turn them on before they start to suck.
When is a piece of wood made king?
When it's a ruler.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I've ever seen.
What’s the difference between a Hispanic and a stoner?
A stoner has papers.
What do you call a bee’s love?
Honey.
I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.
I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.
So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!
No, it's not just a crotch grab. Jacko was jacking it on stage when he saw a 6-year-old boy in the front row.
I came across a dead body in the woods. I liked it so much I came again.
What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools.
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
(People will then say "r")
Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.
It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"
How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?
A blender.
How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?
A straw.
I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."
Depression, I got it.
A girlfriend, don't got it.
A life, don't got it.
Help, got it.
Friends, don't got it.
Family, I got it.
Best of all, depression, I got it!!!!!!
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
What's the best part of having sex on a golf course?
The hole experience.