Aed jokes
A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.
The school shooter: "I finally found you worthless crybabies!!"
The Quiet Kid: "How are a bag of chips and a mac11 the same?"
The school shooter: "I don't know."
The Quiet kid: "When you pull them out everybody wants to be your friend."
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
Boy 1: "Sonic is a fictional character."
Boy 2: "Yeah, just like your dad."
My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.
Why don't catholic kids lose their virginity in their 20's?
Because they lost it to a priest when they were 5
Your hairline's so messed up that even Martin Luther King Jr. couldn't have a dream about it.
What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza? Pizza won't cut itself.
What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools.
Why are Americans so bad at Clash of Clans? Because they already lost two towers.
What’s the worst song to play in front of a vegetable? “James Brown - Get on Up”
What’s the worst song to play in front of a handicapped kid? “Van Halen - Jump”
What's the worst song to play in front of a black man in Minneapolis? “I Can't Breathe - Juice Wrld”
Boy: "Hey mom, can we have ice cream?"
Orphan: "What's a mom?"
Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.
What does a depressed person and a fashion enthusiast have in common?
They both have something hanging in their closet.
Yo mama so fat when she went on a plane, somebody yelled "A solar eclipse!"
Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."
My friends: "What's your dream job?"
Me: "I'm going to die young :))"
Why do orphans play a lot of tennis?
Cause that's the only way they get love.
I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...
What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.
Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."
England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."
Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."