Aed jokes

Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"

Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"

What do you call your angry French aunt?

A crossaunt.

There are plenty more fish in the sea is the last thing you should say to a necrophiliac.

Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.

I had a dog with an eating disorder.

He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.

A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.

It’s called Trycoxagain.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.

It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"

How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?

A blender.

How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?

A straw.

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?

A cold shoulder.

Depression, I got it.

A girlfriend, don't got it.

A life, don't got it.

Help, got it.

Friends, don't got it.

Family, I got it.

Best of all, depression, I got it!!!!!!

The American salute starts with your hand facing flat towards the ground on your head.

The British salute starts with your hand against your head just like the American salute.

The French salute starts with your hands in the air.

The Saudi salute starts with you being bent over with a camel tongue in your ass.

What's the best part of having sex on a golf course?

The hole experience.

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.

What do I call a white person with 15 black kids?

Coach.

Proof that 9/11 isn't a government plot.

It worked.

What's a kidnapper's favorite shoes?

White vans.