Aed jokes
Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."
His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"
What's worse than a dead baby?
A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? The one on the bottom is alive. And what's worst than that is, the baby has to eat its way out.
A Down syndrome kid asks for an ice cream. The man asks, "Do you want sauce on it?"
The kid says, "It doesn’t matter, I’m going to drop it anyway!" 😂😂😂
A child asks his teacher to go to the toilet.
"Before you go, recite the alphabet," the teacher says.
"a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z"
"Good, but where's the p?"
"Running down my leg."
A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.
After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.
After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?
What has four legs and one arm?
A Rottweiler in a children’s playground.
What do you call a black person eating chicken, watermelon, and drinking Kool-Aid?
Reality.
What do you call an emo kid with light up shoes?
A human chandelier.
What is the difference between Batman and a black man?
Batman can go out at night without Robin.
My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":
Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.
What's the difference between Carrie Underwood and a robot?
A robot can feign empathy.
What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?
They both like cracking open a cold one.
What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?
A hoedown.
Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
Why is the German blind?
Because he's a "not see."
Are you an archaeologist? Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine.
Why does OSHA require women to wear panties?
Because every manhole needs a cover.
I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.
I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.
They made a horror movie about the Chinese president.
It's called "Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey."