Aed jokes

I was going to make a rape joke, but I don’t think you would’ve given me consent.

Son: Dad, Dad, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!

Dad: What's wrong? Are you OK?!

Son: Mia asked me out on a date on February 30th!

Dad: 'Cause there's no February 30th?

What do my clothes and a depressed person not have in common?

My clothes don't hang themselves...

If you kill an orphan, would that count as a squad wipe?

What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!

A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.

Why can't a blonde call 911?

She can't find the 11.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.

Idiot: "The moon landing was faked! So unbelievably fake!" Me: "You believe in the moon? Stupidass."

Do you know how to make an orphan's hands bleed?

Tell them to clap until their parents come home.

A man was asked by his 21 years old daughter, "Dad, how do you give a blowjob to a man that has a big dick?"

Her father replied, "Honey, you should have watched me last night. It was inside my mouth. Does it cycle now?"

The saddest painting you will see is a mirror.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...

The steaks were pretty high.

Where's a cannibal's favorite place to eat?

Chili's, because they got them baby back ribs.

Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.

So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"

I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday. A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am Wan Kin, the chef." I said that I'll come back later.

What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?

Your job still sucks.