Aed jokes

Why don’t witches wear underwear?

To get a better grip on their broom.

Q: How are Clocks like Pedophiles? A: They both stop at 12.

I wrote down a speech at home yesterday.

When I got to school, I was speechless.

Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?

A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.

Give a blind kid a torch and tell him it's a hairdryer.

A grasshopper jumps into a bar.

The bartender says, "We've got a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "Seriously? Why would you name a drink Callum?"

What do you call a cleaning skeleton?

The Grim Sweeper.

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.

What do a relationship and suicidal thought have in common? They’ll both end soon.

How do you get an emo kid to jump?

A bridge.

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.

Everyone else in the minefield...

The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.

What's an astronaut's favorite candy? A Milky Way!

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

A: To get to the gay (guys/girls) house.

(Wait awhile) then ask “knock knock?” Other person says “Who’s there?”

A: The chicken.

Why did the hooker quit her job?

She had a nut allergy.

What does a bicycle and Jade Goody have in common?

They can't reach 30.

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."