Aed jokes

Chuck Norris once said that he didn't like the plane he was riding in. Out of sadness, the plane committed suicide. How, you ask? Ask the Twin Towers.

A vampire goes to the bakery.

Vampire: "One bun, please."

Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"

Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."

Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

What's the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person?

They both hang...

The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.

Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.

How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note... it's a start...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?

School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.

What do you call an alligator with a vest?

An investigator.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”

That's the best I've done so far.

What’s the key to a successful relationship?

Consent.

What do peanut butter and a prostitute's legs have in common?

They’re both easy to spread.

What’s black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.

Did you ever think that John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head?

My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.