Aed jokes
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?
Optimistic.
What do you call an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
A man tried to shoot Adolf Hitler, but missed. Then Adolf replied, "Oh shoot, I did nazi that coming!"
I was beefing with a dude in a wheelchair, so I took his wheelchair and threw it across the street and told him, "Walk it off, you will be fine."
You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.
How do women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
A wife and husband had been on a strict diet, and the wife said, "You know, we've been good about our diet. Let's have a cheat night tonight." The wife came home with KFC and Wendy's. The husband came home with Sylvia from the office.
A Mexican runs into a wall, what hits first?
His lawnmower.
If rape was about power, then my electric bill would be a positive balance.
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”
That's the best I've done so far.
Did you ever think that John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head?
How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?
You’re dead if the rubber breaks.
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream was shot.
My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.
What do you call a fish that smokes? "A puffer."
What’s the key to a successful relationship?
Consent.
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"
What do you need in order to crash a train?
A bad track record.