Aed jokes

What is the difference between an old chest and a kid? One doesn't cry when you drop it in the basement.

Q: Why was the leper hockey game cancelled?

A: There was a face off in the corner.

A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing.

Man: "Ah, suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump?" Lady: "Yep. I hate this world." Man: "Well, if you're gonna die, can we have sex before you jump?" Lady: "Hell no! You creep!" Man: "Ok, fine. I guess I'll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore."

How do you count cows? -- With a cowculator.

My father said I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

A 10-year-old: "I don't want to smile without having a reason to. People shouldn't think I'm happy 24/7."

A 10-year-old, a week later: "Damn... my life is shitty..."

<2 years later> 12-year-old: "What is de-pre-ssion?" *googles it*

Now 14-year-old: "Oh..."

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."

What does a perverted frog say? Rub it.

Why don't witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broom.

What do girls and rocks have in common? The flat ones get skipped.

What is red and goes 200 mph? A baby in a blender.

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? -- The wheelchair.

What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?

Rrrrrapeit!

I know a good airplane joke, but it would probably go over your heads.

The twin towers: No, it won't.

Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. So, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.

Did you hear about the cheetah who robbed a bank? He ran away so fast he almost got away with it, but he was spotted.

Why do orphans want to be communist?

So they would have a motherland.

How to punish a blind kid, rearrange his bedroom.

Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've seen it.

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"

"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

What's the best part about a dead prostitute?

The second hour is free.