Aed jokes

Two antennas got married on a roof. The ceremony was horrible, but the reception was great!

I cry a lot for someone who isn’t even properly hydrated.

So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.

What is a suicide pack's favorite song?...

Let the bodies hit the floor.

Chuck Norris once said that he didn't like the plane he was riding in. Out of sadness, the plane committed suicide. How, you ask? Ask the Twin Towers.

A vampire goes to the bakery.

Vampire: "One bun, please."

Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"

Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."

So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.

Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

What is a Manchester United fan’s favourite TV channel? The History Channel.

The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.

Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"

Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?

The drone guy didn't know either.

What's the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person?

They both hang...

How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.

Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead or anything, it's just too scared to move.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note... it's a start...