Aed jokes

I cry a lot for someone who isn’t even properly hydrated.

What is a suicide pack's favorite song?...

Let the bodies hit the floor.

What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?

The drone guy didn't know either.

So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.

Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.

What is a Manchester United fan’s favourite TV channel? The History Channel.

A vampire goes to the bakery.

Vampire: "One bun, please."

Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"

Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.

Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

What's the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person?

They both hang...

Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.

How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.

Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead or anything, it's just too scared to move.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note... it's a start...

What do you call a Catholic priest who molests children?

A Catholic priest.

What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?

•Terminal

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."

An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.