Aed jokes

So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.

You're so ugly, even a Snapchat filter can't fix it.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

Why did the orphan like to jump? So they can jump off a bridge to be reunited with their parents.

1 like = 10 more orphans in my basement.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered, "Y?"

What is the difference between a Mexican and a bench?

The bench can support its family.

Why is September 11th the best birthday ever? No one forgets it :)

I would make a joke about fat people, but they already have enough on their plate.

What is the difference between a fat person and a whole pizza?

Well, a whole pizza cannot eat a fat person.

Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!

Officer: You OK, kid?

Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.

Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*

When officer leaves:

Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually, the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

So I saw a bag full of children near a dumpster. I guess we know where the orphans are when the parents didn’t want them.

Wouldn’t want to hope a Catholic priest comes along, otherwise the priest will have new sex toys.

A funny joke:

Knock knock. "Who's there?" Who. "Who who?" Ha, who who, you sound like an owl! "Fuck you!"

Why can’t a nose be 12 feet long?

Because then, it would be a foot.

"If we don’t have a strategy, then the enemy will never know our strategy."

-Sun Tzu, Art of War.

"A foolish man is lactose intolerant. A wise man simply tolerates it."

- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

"You cannot win a war without a war."

-Sun Tzu, *The Art Of War*