What do you call an idiot who walks on the road when cars are coming?
Fresh roadkill.
Last week I found out my toaster is waterproof.
Why did Johnny drop his pencil?
To look up girls' skirts! 😬🤯😲😳😱🙀🙊
What do you call a dwarf that fell into a cement mixer?
A wee hard man.
You know that feeling when you're going through a school parking lot and go over a speed bump, then you realize that there are no speed bumps?
Today; worst day ever.
My annoying sibling got hit by a train, and I lost my job as a conductor.
"FUCK IT HURTS SO BAD PLEASE SEND AN AMBULANCE I CAN'T BREATHE (I am Paul Walker btw)"
The reason Stephen Hawkings died is probably because he fell off his wheelchair, and he must've pressed shut down by accident.
The real reason Steven Hawking died is he was drunk and tried to go down a flight of stairs.
The reason he died is that they accidentally flipped the wrong light switch.
When a kindergarten teacher asks a kid to sing the alphabet, he said "ab3defg." The teacher said, "Do you like 3D?" He said, "Yeah." The teacher yelled, "Okay, do you have a 3DS?" He said yes. The teacher goes into his bag and says, "Say ABCs or your 3DS will be destroyed." He says, "ab3defghijlmnopqrs." "Oh, he learned well." The teacher threw the 3DS out the window. The kid gets it, and it still works. Then he googles ABCs. It goes to YouTube and says, "abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz." The teacher is proud of the 3DS. The class went home telling parents.
Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
He got hit by a bus.
The Titanic was going through the ocean. Chuck Norris was on the ship, and they never crashed into an iceberg. He just shat off the front of the ship!
My friend Amir didn’t have the greatest driving record because of all the car crashes he got in. He only crashed his plane once in a building, so he had a much better flying record.
I was camping with my buddy, and there was a fire. We were roasting marshmallows, and there was a vine. I tripped on it and went penis first into the fire, and I said, "Well, there goes your children, stupid ass!"
Your mom is so weak, when she jumped from the Twin Towers, her baby became disabled.
Who's the closest family member to Paul Walker?
Answer: The tree.
A blind kid accidentally touches the emo kid's wrist and says, "I'm not reading all of that!"
I was riding my bike down the road!
When a car started coming, I started running.
It put me in a crash with my elbow through my ass! ;)
What’s heavy, black, and can’t swim?
Ted Kennedy’s Oldsmobile Delmont 88 with Mary Jo Kopechne trapped inside.
