Accident jokes

My cat got run down. That is a cat-astrophe.

As an American, I like cars. And like all car enthusiasts, even just a little scratch can ruin a brand new car.

So why is it that we go to different countries like India and see that almost every car is completely totaled? I guess we have different meanings of "it's just a scratch."

A girl and a boy were on a date. The boy kept farting. The girl asked, "What is wrong?!?". The boy replied, "Explosive diarrhea.". The girl said, "Ew".

The boy went to the bathroom, and the place exploded. The center of the explosion, the bathroom.

He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.

Why did the man fall off his bike?

Because someone threw a refrigerator at him.

Never joke about 9/11, they'll just crash and burn.

What's the definition of disappointment?

Running into a wall with a boner, but it only hits your nose.

Why did Sally drown in the pool?

She didn't have any arms, remember!

There was this intern that worked at an orphanage, and she burnt it down. Luckily, she doesn't have to tell her parents.

Your mom is so weak, when she jumped from the Twin Towers, her baby became disabled.

Yo mama so stupid, she thought Kobe Bryant survived the plane crash.

What do gum and guns have in common?

When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend all of a sudden.

When you put the chicken in the oven, it goes down, and the oven explodes. The oven and smoke and everything is fire and on fire and flies to the grass, and all goes back.

One time, I took my wife to the doctors. My wife had a severe migraine and needed a medic. I waited for about 10 minutes.

The doctor walked out with my wife in a wheelchair. "Due to your wife's broken hip, she may never walk again," said the doctor. "She had a migraine," I said. "Oh, we know," said the doctor.

Boy: Crap, I hit a deer.

Girl: Awe... I guess it’s not so much of a dear.

Boy: ...

Boy: Get the hell out!

5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"

There were 500 bricks on a plane. One fell off.

Little Sally was crossing a river full of crocodiles. How did she survive the river? She had a gun. When she got out of the river, she died. Why? Because a brick fell on her head.

What is the difference between Paul Walker and the Queen?

Paul Walker passed 100 before he died.

I tripped over my wife’s bra. It was a booby trap!

You can find perfectly cooked Kobe in a Japanese restaurant, but you can only find burnt Kobe in Calabasas.