Accident jokes
So I went to the bank and a lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.
As an American, I like cars. And like all car enthusiasts, even just a little scratch can ruin a brand new car.
So why is it that we go to different countries like India and see that almost every car is completely totaled? I guess we have different meanings of "it's just a scratch."
A girl and a boy were on a date. The boy kept farting. The girl asked, "What is wrong?!?". The boy replied, "Explosive diarrhea.". The girl said, "Ew".
The boy went to the bathroom, and the place exploded. The center of the explosion, the bathroom.
He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.
Yo mama so stupid, she thought Kobe Bryant survived the plane crash.
When you put the chicken in the oven, it goes down, and the oven explodes. The oven and smoke and everything is fire and on fire and flies to the grass, and all goes back.
Your mom is so weak, when she jumped from the Twin Towers, her baby became disabled.
Why did the man fall off his bike?
Because someone threw a refrigerator at him.
Never joke about 9/11, they'll just crash and burn.
What's the definition of disappointment?
Running into a wall with a boner, but it only hits your nose.
Why did Sally drown in the pool?
She didn't have any arms, remember!
There was this intern that worked at an orphanage, and she burnt it down. Luckily, she doesn't have to tell her parents.
What do gum and guns have in common?
When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend all of a sudden.
One time, I took my wife to the doctors. My wife had a severe migraine and needed a medic. I waited for about 10 minutes.
The doctor walked out with my wife in a wheelchair. "Due to your wife's broken hip, she may never walk again," said the doctor. "She had a migraine," I said. "Oh, we know," said the doctor.
Boy: Crap, I hit a deer.
Girl: Awe... I guess it’s not so much of a dear.
Boy: ...
Boy: Get the hell out!
There were 500 bricks on a plane. One fell off.
Little Sally was crossing a river full of crocodiles. How did she survive the river? She had a gun. When she got out of the river, she died. Why? Because a brick fell on her head.
5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"
I was hit by a car. Later, my ex lost her bus job.
Well, I got stuck in the dryer and fell asleep. Then my step bro got home, and I did not know, and hours later I woke up. My pants were down, and my butt was on fire.
What did you call a school that got blown up?