Accident jokes
billie: hi.
me: You wanna hear a story?
billie: Yes, sure.
me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.
I'm Gay.
Your mum is so fat, she gets hit by a parked car!
I still remember my granddad's last words,
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
What is the world's strongest material?
The tree that Paul Walker hit.
John Kreese's forehead broke when silver hit 'em in the forehead.
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
My boyfriend said if I kiss him, I'll get lucky. I fell down a flight of stairs.
The Titanic was going through the ocean. Chuck Norris was on the ship, and they never crashed into an iceberg. He just shat off the front of the ship!
I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.
But I can break yours today, hopefully.
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
'Cause it got knocked down on its way.
The reason he died is that they accidentally flipped the wrong light switch.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims, they went through 42 stories in 7 seconds.
While I was walking on the road, a cat crossed my road, and 5 min later I found it fell in the gutter.
What did you call a school that got blown up?
When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself... #victoryroyale
When this guy fell off a cliff, he got an A+ for egg-cellence!
One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.
I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.
One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.
"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"
Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."
"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."
"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."
"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."
"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.
"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."
"Okay daddy!"
*long pause*
"Okay daddy! I did it!"
"Great job Sally! What did she say?"
"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."
Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"
Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.