Accident jokes
What goes hahaha bonk?
A man laughing his head off.
What happens to a baby when you let it run loose? It can't cause it can't run yet.
Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.
Where did Josh go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.
How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?
Because they found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment!
Why did Stephen Hawking die? ... Because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep."
A few days after her husband’s death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain.
The email reads: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything [is] prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. It’s really hot down here!"
Did you hear the news? Michael Jackson died because he choked on 7-year-old nuts and balls.
Why does Michael Jackson avoid Pepsi? They gave him a hot one.
A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"
She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.
The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."
Q: What happens when an Asian with an erection walks into a wall?
A: He breaks his nose.
Did you hear about Alicia's car accident?
She was really drunk and all over the road until she was all over the road.
I would say fly high to Kobe, but obviously he didn't...
What do you get when you cross a highway on a bike?
Run over.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of kids.
I heard Kobe was writing a book about helicopters, but it just wouldn't land with people...
I know, I'm going to hell!
Race car backwards is race car.
Race car sideways is how Paul Walker died.
A guy goes to Starbucks and asks, "Hey, if I can make you laugh, I don’t have to pay." The girl in the window says, "Okay." The guy says, "A little boy named Timmy lost his arms." The girl says, "Oh no!" The guy says, "And his dad left him when he was 4." The girl says, "Uhh yeah." The guy says, "Okay, I guess I’ll be paying then." The girl asks, "Okay, and what name will that be under?" The guy says, "Timmy, I’m Timmy."
Tonight, on Top Gear!
James May dives a bus full of kids off a mountain!
Richard Hammond starts WW3 in Germany!
And I fly a plane into the World Trade Center!