Accident jokes
Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.
Where did Josh go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.
A few days after her husband’s death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain.
The email reads: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything [is] prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. It’s really hot down here!"
Did you hear the news? Michael Jackson died because he choked on 7-year-old nuts and balls.
Why did an old man fall in a well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
Well.
What goes hahaha bonk?
A man laughing his head off.
I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!
What do you say to a person who got his whole left side cut off? "Are you all right?!"
What do Bob Ross's painting and the orphanage have in common?
They're both filled with happy little accidents.
Why did Stephen Hawking die? ... Because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep."
Why did the orphan fall off the mountain? Because his parents let go.
My ex died in an anchorage accident.
She always was a sleeping hooker.
Me dozing off while driving.
Everyone else on the passenger plane: September 11, 2001.
My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.
What happens to a baby when you let it run loose? It can't cause it can't run yet.
How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?
Because they found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment!
You could say Kobe's career went up in smoke.
Why is the U.S. so mad about the Twin Towers? It was an accident. The pilots were new.
A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"
She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.
The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."