Accident jokes
My ex died in an anchorage accident.
She always was a sleeping hooker.
Why did the orphan fall off the mountain? Because his parents let go.
Why did an old man fall in a well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
You could say Kobe's career went up in smoke.
What goes hahaha bonk?
A man laughing his head off.
Memes
I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!
What do Bob Ross's painting and the orphanage have in common?
They're both filled with happy little accidents.
What do you say to a person who got his whole left side cut off? "Are you all right?!"
Why is the U.S. so mad about the Twin Towers? It was an accident. The pilots were new.
My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.
What happens to a baby when you let it run loose? It can't cause it can't run yet.
How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?
Because they found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment!
Where did Josh go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.
Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.
A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"
She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.
The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."
What do you get when you cross a highway on a bike?
Run over.
Q: What happens when an Asian with an erection walks into a wall?
A: He breaks his nose.
Did you hear about Alicia's car accident?
She was really drunk and all over the road until she was all over the road.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of kids.